The Art Of Merch...
When you consider just how desperate certain famous people are to try and stretch their name and branding across to items like perfume or lingerie, it's surprising that they don't go the whole hog and try and come up with some entirely new products. They would certainly get tabloid coverage, if nothing else.
I mean surely, if you're Mariah, say, and you've already done pants and a smell, you should be looking at perhaps a range of Indian restaurants called Mariah Curry? Or maybe branded portaloos called the Emancipation of Wee-Wee. Seeing as you're already selling out, why not have some fun with it?
So, in true Dragon's Den style, here are some golden opportunities for some of the acts who are currently in the charts. Starting with the virtual gold-mine that is the Kings Of Leon.
Ideas For Kings Of Leon Merch:
Kings Of Leon Chess Set: Includes Queens Of Leon, Rooks Of Leon, Knights Of Leon, Bishops Of Leon and of course, Pawns Of Leon.
Sex On Firelighters
Sex On Fire Curried Condoms (may not sell)
Sex On Fire Electric Blanket - (for gas fittings only)
Sex On 'Fire!' - A beginner's guide to livening up your firing squad.
Ideas For Pop Stocking Fillers:*
McFly Lie Detector Set - Use it on the rocksnob in YOUR family.
Ne-Yo's 'Miss Indie' Pendant. Locket comes with ready-sized pics of Luke Kooks, Ricky Wilson and him out of the Pigeon Detectives.
Slipknot Desk Calendar - Each day has a useful thought to keep you from those 'All Hope Is Gone' moments. The one for today reads: "It is not how much you do, but how much love you put in the doing."
Metallica Death Magnets - Explode violently on contact with metal.
Will Young Magic Set - Watch as he 'Changes' into Gareth Gates, then back into Will Young again, with a wicked cackle.
Elbow's Road Unsafety Non-Reflective Jacket For Cyclists - Be the coolest seldom seen kid in your hospital ward!
Michael Jackson's Pop Of Kings - Golden lemonade.
Noah & The Whale Five Year Diary - Each day comes with a different Biblical story, but all the names have been changed. What fun!
Gym Class Heroes Cookie Ja - Worried that your biscuits do not RULE? Why not use this home baking kit, complete with Ja Rule cookie cutter, and be the (Gym Class) hero in YOUR house...
The Script Man-glue - No, not THAT kind of man-glue.
Idea For Educational Aid:
Pussycat Dolls 'When I Grow Up' Pussycat Dolls - A series of biologically-accurate miniature cat-human figurines which will take children through all the stages of development from kitten-child to adulthood. Machine washable.
Idea For Self-Help Book:
Eric Prydz's Lurn Tu Reed Moosick - a total education package in which the rudiments of musical theory are taught via the twin mediums of dance music and appalling spelling. Also features a beginner's guide to learning the geeturh, the klarrynut, the trymput, the sexyfern, and of course, the piano.
Idea For Computer Game:
Rihanna's Disturbia - You start with a delightful community, deep in suburbia, which is blighted by an outbreak of horrendous insomnia. After a week, your community starts to fragment and collapse, after two, half the buildings have been burned to the ground. Your job is to try and keep things ticking over until Rihanna can come and play a lovely concert, which relaxes everyone so well that they all curl up for a nap. But oh no! Jay-Z is lurking in the wings to wake everyone up with an eight-bar introduction to 'Umbrella'. How will it all end? That's up to you!
Idea For Another Computer Game:
Rock Band - Ting Tings Edition - Never mind the other instruments, they're all loops anyway. All you need to worry about is the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums and the drums.
Anyone want to try and pitch a few to me? I may be in...
Comment number 1.
At 22nd Sep 2008, -RachelS- wrote:Right, patent pending on...
Gabriella Chill-me's 'Nothing Sweet About Me' range of sugar-free frozen desserts.
P!nk's series of self-help books for today's woman - introducing the 'So What' method (success guaranteed only for rock stars).
Oasis 'flower-power' preservation: want to stop YOUR flower-power from wilting? Stick it in the new Oasis base for endless flower-power arrangement fun! 'Love is a time-machine'... maan.
The Boyzone elixir of youth... too good to be true? Don't believe it? It's all in the name. Plus, 'What we believe is true!'
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Comment number 2.
At 26th Sep 2008, justlisnintomymusic wrote:How about...
the script's "the man who can't be moved" industrial strength glue
jennifer hudson's million candle "spotlight"
and finally,
jordin spark's award winning "no air" scuba diving kit (may cause slight feelings of breathlesness/faintness)
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Comment number 3.
At 28th Sep 2008, Fraser McAlpine - wrote:Haha! That last one is GENIUS!
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