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Dear Andrew and Richard,

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Just a note to wish you all the very best as you gently insert yourselves into our Saturday morning slot. I thought it might be useful to give you a simple list of instructions for handling our audience, whose precise temperament we have monitored, analysed and data-crunched over the last couple of years.

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1.Ìý Speak softly. It's Saturday morning for God's sake. Only raise your voice if you are absolutely FURIOUS about something.

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2.Ìý Treat Black Squadron with the respect they deserve. They are a highly trained, elite listening force. Some of them may currently feel confused, abandoned and angry. They may be highly dangerous in this state. Some of them may be hiding in the studio at this very moment, ready to kill you both the instant you put a foot wrong, armed only with a slice of sharpened toast.

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3.Ìý Try and talk irrelevant rubbish. Adam and I have firsts in irrelevant rubbish from Oxford, so you're unlikely to reach our performance levels, but please try. If you must talk about anything topical, political or factual, be sure to get all the facts wrong.

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4.Ìý Aim for 'um' and 'er' levels somewhere around the forty per half hour.

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5. There's an old dog that used to wander into the studio. We gave it to a street urchin before Christmas, but it has a strong homing instinct and is likely to return. It stinks but is terribly terribly sweet.Ìý This dog confuses, divides and annoys our audience then tends to drag its bottom across the carpet. Stay away from it. I forget its name.

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6.Ìý Under no circumstances should you attempt to interview anyone or have guests, especially Roger Moore.

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7. In a cage in the cupboard under the window you will find two thick parrots called Fergus and Randy who we've trained to talk exactly like us. We use these parrots whenever we get tired or bored, which is often sometimes for the entire show. Feel free to deploy them if needs be.

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One of you is small and hairy. The other is taller. Follow these rules and I believe you will succeed. We are honoured to have you both filling our yawning chasm. God speed to you both!

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Lots of love, Joe