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Shock horror! We have a fake Oompa-Loompa in our midst!

I was about to ask who would stoop so low as to tell such a lie when I realised that it would sound like a terribly contrived cheap shot. Seriously contrived and pathetic actually. The kind of thing I'd normally snarl at if I read it in my newspaper. God, don't ya have to be so careful these days just in case you offend people? Sheesh, political correctness gone mad if you ask me, innit. And that word 'gay' used to be such a lovely word too ...

Anyhoo, the issue today is that actor Ezzy Dame, a PORG from Nevada USA, has admitted to lying about having been one of Willly Wonka's short factory workers in the 1971 .

Ezzy has been pedalling the lie now since the 1980s, in order to bolster his CV. But the lie came tragically crashing down recently when one of the legit Oompa-Loompas from the original Gene Wilder movie, Rusty Goffe, heard about it.

Read the in Â鶹Éç Entertainment news. Then go and read Ouch's Oompa-Loompa FAQ.

I'm sitting here wondering whether or not Rusty Goffe also doubles as Rusty Dusty ... an actor I once saw in a pantomime at the Hazlitt Theatre in Maidstone circa 1978. I think it may have been Little Red Riding Hood. I also spied him in the Â鶹Éç's sitcom Are You Being Served. Sorry, Monkey is in a kind of reflective and nostalgic mood today. Monkey remembers too much. Go on, test me. TEST ME! Mind you, you don't need to have a memory any longer, not now that Google exists. Nah, not these days. The world's changing too much. I fear change.