Poor poor Jonas. He's only just found out his new girlfriend has been taken to hospital after what must have been some type of horrific accident [in his new music vid - see for details] . He can't believe it. After all his fooling around with countless women, he thought he'd turned a corner, he thought he'd finally found the woman he wants to spend the rest of life with, but now his new love may not be around to experience it with him... He promised himself, he promised he'd wait for her. As he rushes to the hospital a solitary tear begins to slowly run down his cheek... and then... THE BASS KICKS IN! DUM DUM DUM, Du Du, DUM DUM DUM.
Sensitive Jonas transforms into the Basshunter with a swift drop of his trademark dance beat, and you know what? I love him for it!
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I like Taio Cruz. I like the way he carries himself. I like that he seems to be a friendly fella. I like that he does good interviews - watch this space for a festive corker coming soon - and I like that he comes across as the kind of man who is very secure in his own talent, while not acting like he believes his singing could work as a possible cure for a broken leg.
I like the fact that he's sort of a UK Ne-Yo - a dapper fella with a strong jawline - AND a UK Akon - squealy voice, does a lot of song-work for other people - all rolled into one. I like the fact that he wrote such a fantastic song for Tinchy Stryder and Amelle Berrebah that it basically destroyed the Sugababes (for now *DRAMATIC MUSIC*). I even like the fact that he can't spell 'rock star'.
But. BUUUUT...I am not at all sure whether I like his new single.
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There's no such thing as a good interviewer. There are good interviewEES, there are bad interviewees, and there are bad interviewers - we've all seen and heard what happens when you get any combination of these together - but to get a decent chat with someone of a famous persuasion, all you need is a star who can talk, a list of questions and the ability to listen to their answers, then the job does itself.
Here's a perfect example. Sean and Gavin from the Blackout, speaking backstage at a beach-side gig in Newquay earlier this year. Can we take any credit for the way this turned out? No. Is it our ability to ask amazing questions that drives this astonishing conversation?No. The Blackout are in charge, and we're just along for the ride.
And WHAT a ride...
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You would think, beats and rhythms being nothing more complicated than a series of cleverly-arranged bangs and clicks, that producers would be a bit more adventurous with the kind of sounds they use. Even more so when you consider sampling has been well-established as a studio tool for over 25 years now.
I mean, where are the griffin stomps? The leprechaun handclaps? Where is the sound of a hard-boiled tyrannosaur egg being scraped down the side of a yellow battleship on an unseasonably frosty morning in August?
Why are we still listening to that 808 when we could be listening to this two-thousand-and-909?
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People do make a lot of fuss when actors decide they would like to be pop stars, and with good reason. The two jobs are very, very different, and prospective performers require radically different levels of patience, ego, charisma, projection and, y'know, talent, in order to do either one properly. On the plus side, you have to be roughly the same amount of photogenic, and a nice smile never goes amiss.
The reason it's important to remember that Jared Leto is a film star AND a pop star (or, if you're a Kerrang! reader, "important rock star") is that his band's music is...well...cinematic. It's HUGE. So huge that important details could be missed if it's rendered through a comparatively weedy and rubbish domestic television set or tinny little iPod dock. The natural home of something as enormous as this is the silver screen, preferably a 500ft high drive-in job, in the middle of a desert on a starlit night, with a sound system as big as Budleigh Salterton.
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Y'know that 'glass half-empty/half full' thing that people use to tell the difference between pessimists and optimists? Well, that's an example of the kind of filters through which people interpret the world (don't wander off, Fiddy fans, I'm getting to it), so you can spot where their prime motivating drive comes from.
Some people, for example, read a story about a man running down the street carrying a woman's handbag and assume he stole it. Some would assume he's delivering it, because it's got important medication inside. Some would even assume that it's his bag and he's running away from bullies.
50 Cent, it is fair to say, would begin by pointing out that it's a cheap bag compared to the designer kind that he can afford, and then assume that whatever amount of cash there may be inside is a paltry sum compared to the money he has lost down the back of his sofa in the last week alone.
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The other day my friend Sarah dyed her hair bright auburn. "What do you think?" She asked "I think it looks great... Hayley." I replied. There was a brief, awkward pause. At first, she probably thought I'd gone a bit loopy again (a regular occurrence, especially after a bourbon biscuits and tea moment), but before she could say 'you are a terrible friend for not knowing my name', she clicked. Yes, I had just compared her to Hayley, the lead singer of Paramore.
Okay, okay, I'm aware other redheads exist, but right now the hottest redhead in the whole world is definitely her. Thankfully though, it's not just a great head of hair that Hayley's responsible for... she's also pretty well known for fronting one of the most explosive and energetic current bands out there.
But how does their new single 'Brick by Boring Brick' compare to Paramore's back catalogue? Well, let's just say this: it's certainly hair-raising... hair-raisingly BRILLIANT, that is.
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Imagine, if you can, a time when it seemed like every third record in the chart shared a common gene. And not just a lyrical thread or a particular way of processing the human voice so that it sounds like a singing robot nose, we're talking about a drum sample, one which starts with a "whooh!" and ends with a "yeah!", and back in the early '90s it was EVERYWHERE.
Every dance track used it, every UK hip hop track used it - and James Brown's funky drummer...them was crazy days, I tellya - hell, I'm pretty sure even Cliff Richard used it at one point. Possibly for a song about Christmas. It ended up being recycled so often that people were seen running up to every song which had not been afflicted and yelling "LEAVE, LEAVE NOW! THIS IS A PLAGUE-ZONE!"
Well, now it has mutated, is preparing to swarm, and Dizzee is the carrier. Earmasks at the ready, let's INVESTIGATE...
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This song makes me nervous: very nervous. Not because I'm wondering whether Rihanna will actually 'pull the trigger', but because the last time I reviewed for the Chartblog, it was for Rihanna's 'Run This Town', and I foolishly predicted that it wouldn't top the chart, which, of course, it did, and of course the lovely Chartblog community rubbed my nose in it. .
It appears I fell asleep for a few years during the transformation from little harmless 'Pon Da Replay' Rihanna who barely made a chart dent, to probably the most popular r'n'b female solo artist of the decade (except Beyonce). I had truly underestimated Rihanna's super chart powers, and I refuse to make the same mistake again.
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In a world where Jedward exist and thrive, it's increasingly hard to find solid, concrete reasons to object to Mika and his music, beyond the obvious one about cups of tea and who they belong to.
Yes, he looks into the camera as if he's staring at his beautiful face in a mirror which is telling him he is the fairest in all the land. Yes, he's not blessed with range as far as songwriting is concerned, and yes he often sings as if language is not his first language, but you put him next to even the most bland of X Factor contestants and a strange phenomenon occurs. He starts to resemble someone who is a lot more charismatic and talented than he actually is.
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Lady GaGa does not care if you like her or not. Lady GaGa does not care if I like her or not. Lady GaGa does not care for approval, what Lady GaGa wants is your attention, your bewilderment, your awe. Do not get all mushy on Lady GaGa, or she will beat you.*
Lady GaGa's songs do not exist to please you, why should they? You have to look after yourself when you enter Lady GaGa's world, and if you do not, you may find yourself impaled on a spike. The spike could be made of latex or rubber or stainless steel or shiny plastic or even human hair, but it will hurt like hell and the inevitable pool of blood will make a mess.
Lady GaGa does not appreciate mess, unless it has been made by Lady GaGa.
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WOOP! WOOP! NEW CHARTBLOG WRITER! NEW CHARTBLOG WRITER!
While it would be improper to speculate over Flo Rida's thoughts on monogamy in the context of a music review, let's just say that judging by this song, he seems like a pretty dependable kind of fella. He can see other women now that he's available, as it's now "the right time". He's a single man and that's his "situation", all right?
If you've just come out of a long-term relationship and you feel as though you've been a prisoner for last few months / years of your life, then this song should send you running frantically for the dance floor. Its solid beat; reassuring repetition, and simple, catchy lyrics are club-friendly and confidence boosting (assuming you have just been dumped and need a boost, that is).
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This was supposed to be a review of La Roux. I was supposed to be having a bit of a think about her success in 2009, maybe mentioning their vintage '80s synthpop credentials, Elly's quiff, and perhaps another little dig about the shrillness of her voice at times. So, in an act of TOTAL REBELLION, I've decided not to bother.
We all know what La Roux sounds like by now, right? Well they still sounds like it on their new single 'Quicksand', and that is because 'Quicksand' was also their first single, a year ago.
(. Call that a pineapple, Calvin Harris? THIS is a pineapple!)
SO, here's what we're going to talk about instead. Ellie Goulding's immaculate frostypop masterpiece.
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I've always had James Morrison pegged as a slightly better version of James Blunt, but nonetheless, still the creator of the sort of music a guy plays to a girl when he's trying to seduce her, or that a girl plays when she's broken up with a/the aformentioned boy. In other words soppy music, for soppy people. (I pray that my aunty never reads this)
But now he's got a new song out, and I've been asked to review it. Will it prove me wrong on the above sweeping statement?
Errr... no. No it will not.
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I know it sounds a bit snobbish to suggest that there's such a thing as a 'proper' popstar, but if such a thing exists, I'm sure Little Boots is one. She has a collection of different types of keyboards! She makes homemade cover versions and sticks them up on YouTube for her own amusement! I might even go as far as to say that she gives off the impression that even if there were no cameras pointing at her and no people listening to her, she'd probably still be twiddling away on a keyboard somewhere because she just likes it that much.
That, to me, is what a proper popstar is - someone who's physically incapable of not being one.
All well and good, and I can sit here and claim she was born destined for the Top 10 as long as I like, but even proper popstars need to prove they've earned their place in the charts by delivering some decent records. 'New In Town' and 'Remedy' got her off to a good start (the latter actually being my own personal summer holiday soundtrack), but how does 'Earthquake' match up?
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Isn't teamwork a wonderful thing? You get a bunch of people together, everyone does a little thing, and before you know it, a big thing happens. Sometimes it can be something as simple as standing still and being quiet: One person does it, and they're shy, ten people do it, and they're a cult, but if EVERYONE does it, it's a national gesture.
The same rule applies to charity records. They need to be hits, or they run the risk of looking forlorn and pathetic, and worse, raising no money. The best way to do this is get as many people as possible on board. This is partly because it's automatically more impressive if there's loads of celebs in a line, pulling imaginary keys from the sky (see all Westlife videos), and this creates a feeling in people that they should get off their backsides and DO something to help those less fortunate than themselves.
Not that your performers have to be celebs, there just needs to be more than one of them...
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Hey, anyone remember the great Strictly Come Dancing scandal of '09? Oh sure you do! It was..it was...something about a young woman accidentally destroying an older woman and stepping into her shoes, with the help of three friends and a little fuzzy thing running about and yapping the whole time..?
Oh wait, that's The Wizard of Oz I'm thinking of.
Isn't it funny how time makes these things diminish? How quickly the heat of outrage moves on. In a week or two, we'll all feel the same way about the Simon Cowell Jedward thing that seems to be tremendously important to some people right now. Hell, if we all hold hands and listen really hard, we should be able to hear Sarah Cawood practising her "what was THAT all about?" face for the end of year roundup shows on THIS VERY TOPIC.
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You've got to hand it to Florence, she's not easily intimidated.
Some people - and by 'people' I mean 'singers who are not participating in the X Factor' - would've found the idea of covering what is already a pretty damn perfect song to be a scary prospect. Some would've deliberately toned down some of the better bits - the melody, those monolithic piano chords - in order to prevent snarky comparisons between the better-known, much-loved version and this new attempt.
Others would've gone as quiet and acoustic as humanly possible, maybe making a big deal out of how the recording is 'live', and therefore bound to be subject to human error - but really catching a vibe off the original which is actually totally true to the spirit of what people really love about it in the first plaZZZzzzzzz
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There's a saying in showbiz, that you should never meet your heroes in case they let you down. Well, I'd like to add that the opposite is also true. Never meet people whose work you're not that bothered about, because they might win you over in other ways.
I mean, how am I supposed to maintain a good head of steam about Keane and their posh-boy pianola guffola, if a brief telephone call is all it takes to convince me that drummer Richard is as thoroughly pleasant and decent a fella as you'd ever hope to clap ears on.
All I had to do was talk to him for a short while about the re-release of their debut album 'Hopes And Fears' and how the past five years in the public eye has changed the band. Surely my mild prejudices and not-that-deeply-held ambivalence wouldn't collapse in such a short time? Surely I could keep my inner snarky blogmonster alive, even if he does reveal a huge admiration for my beloved Ting Tings?
Well, it seems not, as this interview transcript clearly demonstrates...
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Let's get the bad news out of the way first: If you were looking for reasons to take against this song, there's plenty of evidence to fuel your argument. You'd be WRONG, but that's not really the point, is it?
For example, taken as a whole, there is nothing particularly new or fresh happening here. It's got the same basic production as any number of R&B slow jams doing the rounds at the moment, suffers from an attack of the cyberthroats, and the same synthetic string section that everyone else has been plugging into their mixing desks. It is, in a very real sense, SO 2009.
On the other hand, who cares? It IS 2009, for the time being at least.
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When Fraser asked me to review Leona Lewis' new single 'Happy', I thought he was having me on. No, I actually did. Because seriously, when has the word 'happy' EVER been associated with a Leona Lewis song??
Well, it turns out it wasn't, and still isn't, a joke (something I'm quite grateful for, cos I would have had to seriously re-evaluate Fraser's practical joke skills if it had been). For a brief moment, I got a bit excited. Has Leona gone all Alphabeat? Has she blown her 'I'm boring and have no personality' facade out the water? Has she finally decided she's HAPPY with her worldwide domination?
Has she heck. Guys, this is LEONA we're talking about. Only she could make being pleased sound like a chore...
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This was never going to be an 'if' hit, it was always a 'when'. From the very first time Ke$ha got on that gold bike, her chart success with this dirty little ditty was only ever a matter of time. And no, that's not supposed to be a pun on the song's title.
I mean it would've been a good one if it WAS, but I didn't do it on purpose.
The fact that I'm writing this a few weeks before the CD hits the shelves, while in the sure knowledge that people are already downloading this in sizeable numbers is neither here nor there. It's a hit, a palpable hit, as Shakespeare would say.
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No matter how helpful, no matter how well designed or crafted they may be, robots are always best when they're just a little bit rubbish. It puts them on a par with the rest of us.
It's a lot easier to think fondly of an automaton which walks stiffly, or can't manage stairs, or struggles to comprehend a relatively simple human emotion like hunger, than some sparkling metal über-person which is smarter than you, prettier than you, and learned to play boogie-woogie piano to a better-than-Jools-Holland standard in an afternoon. And this is because we all know people like that, people who excel in one area, but can't really get to grips with something most people find pretty straightforward. Y'know...NERDS.
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First impressions are crucial, especially in an overcrowded arena like modern popular song. You've got to grab the attention straight away, or at least, tickle the fun-receptors in the human brain in an enticing fashion, so's to encourage everyone to listen again.
Because of this, the context in which a song is first heard can make all the difference in the world. For example: There's a song at the end of the film Fantastic Mr Fox, called 'Let Her Dance' by the Bobby Fuller Four. It's very old. It sort of sounds like Buddy Holly (ask your great grandma) in a cave filled with magical echo. But it's the grand finale of the film, and it sounds amazing in the cinema...
...so guess what I've been listening to pretty much non-stop ever since the weekend? Yup.
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I'm almost scared to mention the word "Sugababes" in case we all end up getting bogged down with the endless debate over which was better out of Sugababes 1.0, 2.0, 3.0 and now 4.0, and whether (yawn) they still have the right to call themselves Sugababes given the absence of all the original members.
(For the record, I think the Sugababes brand has been more important than any of the individual members since Mutya left, so quite why it took Keisha's departure to get everyone all het up I don't know, but again, I don't want to go any further down this road because it's going to upset all kinds of applecarts.)
Anyway, the crucial thing is that this is their first official single with the new line-up, arriving after all the tales of scandal and backstabbing, and a brilliant rumour that the three original 'Babes were forming a new band, and poor Amelle having to take time off with nervous exhaustion (and really, regardless of where you stand on the line-up change, you still know that's got to be unpleasant), so a lot of eyes are going to be on the girls to see if they're still up to the job.
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I love N-Dubz. I don't think I've managed to ever quite make this clear, probably because I always end up trying to analyse why I love what they do, and get stuck trying to define how different they are from, say, the Black Eyed Peas or something. Usually it's all about the funny, strange or downright slapdash things which appear in their songs, and that always comes across like a criticism. It's not meant to. Character is very important, and perfection is dull.
What I love most about N-Dubz is that all three of them throw very different points of view into the same song, and only come together for the chorus. This is a great example. You've got Dappy being all lost and lovesick because he met a girl and she wandered off before he got her deets. Then there's Tulisa, who has much the same story although it's a little more graphic (we'll get to it in a sec).
Fazer's job seems to be to stand at the back shouting abuse at womankind in general. It undercuts the romantic element a bit, but what the heck, some people like shouting.
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There's an episode of Family Guy, where Peter Griffin gets a job as a shouty-pundit for the local TV news show, in a section called What Really Grinds My Gears. And one of the things that, y'know, reallygrindshisgears is Lindsay Lohan writhing around about attractively on TV, and not wearing a right lot, while he's sitting watching at home.
"What do you want, Lindsay? Are we gonna go out?" he bellows, "TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! Well I'll tell you what you want, you want NOTHING!"
And although it's just a cartoon, and there's a payoff line about no woman ever wanting to do anything rude ever that I've chosen to gloss over, it's the first thing that comes to mind every single time I hear this song.
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Say what you like about avant garde music, but it's comparatively easy to get a bunch of arty experimentalists to sit through unpleasant grinding droney noises. It takes a spine of purest steel to introduce that same noise to a chartbound pop song, and keep it going for almost the entire thing.
Have a listen to Calvin's latest, it sounds like a blacksmith sharpening a knife on a grindstone made of catghost, and it lasts from the moody, introspective beginning - those 'Music Sounds Better With You' chords are treating you well, Calvin - all the way through the skippy beat, and up to the big chorus kickoff moment. Then there's a temporary reprieve, before it's back for the last choruses and the fadeout.
Yeah! Beat that, John Cage!
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