If you鈥檙e the parent of a toddler, chances are you鈥檝e seen the odd wobble, tantrum or full-blown meltdown. But how can we deal with these situations?
鈥淧arents need to understand that behaviour is a form of communication.鈥 That鈥檚 the verdict of educational psychologist Dr Alison Gurney. When your child is acting up, it鈥檚 not always that they are choosing to be defiant. Instead, they are either trying to tell you something that they don鈥檛 have the words for yet or otherwise they鈥檙e looking to assert their independence.
鈥淩ather than just going straight in and thinking 鈥榟ow can I control this behaviour and how can I manage it?鈥, the first thing that parents need to be thinking is actually 鈥榳hat's my child trying to tell me by acting in this way?鈥
Parents need to understand that behaviour is a form of communication.
Emotional validation and understanding
With this in mind, how can parents look to correct behaviour they don鈥檛 want to see?
鈥淭here's two key factors that are really important. The first one is warmth, making your child feel loved and safe and a sense of belonging. The second is limit-setting, making sure that you're putting boundaries in place for things that aren't appropriate. Sometimes we can jump straight to setting limits at the cost of warmth.鈥
According to Alison, it鈥檚 important that children understand that they鈥檙e allowed to feel negative emotions, like being angry or scared. 鈥淎 key message is to try not to give your child the sense that they shouldn't be feeling those ways. This means to stop saying things like 鈥榮top feeling sorry for yourself鈥 or 鈥榯here's no need to get upset鈥欌, she says.
Instead, Alison encourages parents to connect with children emotionally before correcting behaviour, an approach called 鈥榚motion coaching鈥.
Emotion coaching 鈥 the 4 steps
When it comes to dealing with tantrums there are 4 main steps to the emotion coaching approach.
1. Tune into your child鈥檚 feelings (and your own)
鈥淲hen your child is behaving in a way that you don't want, you've got to tune into what they might be feeling and also what you're feeling,鈥 says Alison.
Let鈥檚 take an example: say you wanted your child to stop playing with their toys and come and have lunch, but despite asking nicely, they throw a bit of a strop and start throwing their toys around.
The first step is to take note of how you鈥檙e both feeling: 鈥渢hey鈥檙e upset because they were really enjoying themselves and you've come in and interrupted. At the same time, you've got lunch on the table and now it's going cold, so you鈥檙e frustrated too.鈥
2. Recognise the learning opportunity
This means taking a deep breath and thinking about what you might be able to teach your child in this situation about their emotions and behaviour.
鈥淚t鈥檚 sort of making a promise to yourself 鈥 鈥榓ctually I'm going to use this as a learning opportunity, I'm not just going to dive straight in with 鈥榳e're not doing that鈥欌, explains Alison.
3. Name your child鈥檚 feelings
The third step involves showing your child that you鈥檝e recognised how they feel and letting them know that it鈥檚 ok to feel that way.
鈥淵ou might say something like 鈥榶ou look a little bit cross because I鈥檝e asked you to finish playing with the toys. It's okay to be cross sometimes鈥.鈥
By naming the feelings, your child will start to link how they feel with the words that you use.
4. Explain how you want them to behave
This is where you set limits on how your child is behaving.
鈥淚f you want to teach your child that that's not the appropriate way to behave, then give a reason for why they shouldn't do it and explain what you want them to do instead.
"You might say, 鈥業 can see you鈥檙e upset - you鈥檙e throwing toys around the room. Mummy/Daddy doesn鈥檛 like it when you do that. They could hurt me. We need to keep the toys on the floor鈥.
鈥業 want you to finish playing because it's time for lunch now. Should we leave the toys here so they're ready when we come back?鈥.鈥
Why it's useful
Taking a moment to stop and think things through can lead to the best solution for you both. 鈥淚n our example, if you hadn鈥檛 taken the time to stand back and realise the child is frustrated and think about why, then you might not have realised that actually, if they knew they could come back to the activity, then that would make them feel better and more likely to go along with it.鈥
Even if your child is throwing a tantrum in public, it鈥檚 worth going through the whole process, says Alison. 鈥淓ven though it can be embarrassing, you won鈥檛 be the only parent who has experienced it,鈥 she reminds us. 鈥淚 would say that although it鈥檚 probably going to be much harder in a public place, keeping calm and trying to follow the 4 steps has the best chance of success.鈥 This is because children are more likely to go along with the limits you set when they feel like they鈥檙e being listened to and that their emotions are normal.
Avoiding tantrums
According to Alison, over time you鈥檒l get better at tuning into what your child is trying to tell you and taking steps to avoid tantrums. But it鈥檚 also important to help toddlers grow more independent.
鈥淜eep a close eye on what your child is able to do, because at this age they're progressing so quickly. From one month to the next they might suddenly be able to pull their shoe on and pull the Velcro across, for example. As a parent you鈥檙e often rushing around on your own schedule, but try to allow your child time to develop certain skills and catch yourself when you're trying to help them or do it for them.鈥
This can pay off in terms of behaviour, says Alison.
Often, when a parent has backed off a bit and has given the child more space and more room to exert their independence, then you see a lot less battles.
Advice if you鈥檙e struggling
If you鈥檙e worried about your child鈥檚 behaviour, then it鈥檚 important to keep a check on yourself. 鈥淢ake sure that if you're feeling a bit wobbly, then you're reaching out and talking to family and friends鈥, Alison says.
It might seem difficult, but try and speak to other parents about children鈥檚 behaviour too. 鈥淚 would bet my bottom dollar that if you talk to another parent about a tantrum, you'll find that they will share their experiences.鈥
It鈥檚 worth remembering that tantrums are completely normal behaviour for young children as they develop their understanding of their feelings and what to do with them. However, if you鈥檙e not sure, then it鈥檚 worth seeking advice. 鈥淭alk to your health visitor. They have additional training in behaviour and the social/emotional needs of children and they're often very open to supporting families with this.鈥
If your child is in settings like a nursery or childminder鈥檚, then maybe ask whether they鈥檝e noticed anything too. 鈥淭hat way you'll be able to come up with a plan together rather than you just worrying about it, not having talked to anyone.鈥
