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Susan and Neil - as you've never seen them before - star in an Ambridge version of Edward Albee's drama of discomfort, which in the third act goes brilliantly into Pirandello territory. This parody was contributed to the Fantasy Archers topic of The Archers message board.

ACT I

The scene is the living room of an ex-council house in a small English village.
Set in darkness. Crash against the front door. SUSAN'S laughter heard. Front door opens., lights are switched on. SUSAN enters, followed by NEIL.

SUSAN: JesusÂ…
NEIL: Â…ShhhÂ…You'll wakeÂ…
SUSAN: Â…H ChristÂ…
NEIL: For God's sake, it's two o'clock in theÂ…
SUSAN: So what? So what if it's two o'clock in the morning? Who cares, hunh?
NEIL: Well, I doÂ…You'll wake upÂ…
SUSAN: [Interrupting] Oh you're such a cluck, you know that? You're such a dumb cluck, Neil. Sourpuss in the corner scowling into your drinkÂ…why can't you enjoy yourself for once? You don't make conversation , you don't mix Â…you don't Â…
NEIL: Â…know why I go to these parties anyway. Anyone would think I didn't wash after work the way people avoid me.
SUSAN: It isn't pigs they smell on you, Neil. It'sÂ…it's the stench of Â…ofÂ…
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SUSAN:Â…You're such a simpÂ…
NEIL [quietly, to himself]: Â…Some people might say soÂ…
SUSAN: [Pouting] Fix me a drink, Neil.
NEIL: Okay. We'll have a nightcap and thenÂ…
SUSAN: Oh we can't go to bedÂ…We've got guests coming.
NEIL [disbelieving] Â…: We've got guests? Who theÂ… What guests?
SUSAN: They're friends of ours, so you'd better be nice to them. We don't get to have many friends.
NEIL: But why now for God's sake? Who are these people?
SUSAN: They were at the partyÂ… Sandra and Carl. He works with the hunt, looking after the hounds or somethingÂ… and sheÂ…she's his wifeÂ…I don't knowÂ…they're our friends. I thought it would be nice to have them over for a drink.
NEIL: But why now, Susan? Why do you have to spring things on me like this? Can't they come over some other time?
SUSAN: They might not be around to ask another time. Carpe diem, Neil. Not that you ' d know anything about that.
NEIL: CarpeÂ…oh, well that's your particular speciality, Susan. Carping is what you're good at.
SUSAN: I don't carp!
NEIL: Well I think I ought to knowÂ…
SUSAN: I DON'T CARP!
NEIL [softly] : All rightÂ…you don't carp.
SUSAN [hurt]: I don't carp. .. Hey, c' mon over here and give me a kiss.
NEIL [pause]: I don't think that's such a good idea, Susan
SUSAN: Why not?
NEIL [matter of factly]: Well, I might just get carried away and then our guests Â….our friends might walk in and find us copulating right here on the rugÂ…They might not care to be our friends after that.
SUSAN [amused]: You pig! [pause] Â…Anyhow there's not much chance of you getting carried away on the rug is there? We know you can't cut the mustard unless it's in a properly made up bed with all the lights off.
NEIL [pause]: In bed with you the lights need to be off.
SUSAN [thinks about it, then]:Â…WellÂ…at least I can pretend it's the vicarÂ…
NEIL:Â…And I can pretend it's ShulaÂ… [PauseÂ…they both laugh]
SUSAN: Â…Pour me another drink, lover.
NEIL [taking her glass]: Already? Jesus , you 're swilling it down.
SUSAN [angrily]: Get me a drink Â…I can handle it . I can drink you under any goddam table you want!
NEIL [filling her glass]: Just so long as you don't want to drink me under our guests. There aren't many more sickening sights than you with a couple of drinks inside and only your pop socks on the outside.
SUSAN: I swearÂ…If you existed I'd divorce youÂ…

[The door bell chimes]

SUSAN: Go answer that will you?
NEIL [not moving] You goÂ…You invited them.
SUSAN [murderously]: Answer the door, Neil.
NEIL [same]: Get it yourself, darling.

[ Loud knocking. Neither moves ]

NEIL: Well, I suppose one of us had better show some good manners and not keep people waiting out in the cold. Just don't start on the bit.
SUSAN: What bit?
NEIL: You know what bitÂ…Just don't start on it.
SUSAN: I'll talk about what the hell I like! Who do you think you areÂ…telling me what I can and can't talk about.
NEIL: I'd advise against it.
SUSAN: YeahÂ…sure. I just love it when you come over all masterful. Answer the goddam door!
NEIL [pleasantly, moving towards the door]: Well, I hope our friends are looking forward to partying with us tonight. I just hope they aren't having second thoughtsÂ…kept waiting outside a house which appears to be the home of some kind of semi-domesticated beast on heatÂ…
SUSAN: YOU MAKE ME PUKE!

[Simultaneously with SUSAN'S last remark NEIL flings wide the door, revealing
CARL and SANDRA. There is a brief silence.]

NEIL [ostensibly pleased recognition of his guests, but really satisfaction that they have heard SUSAN'S outburst] : Ahhhhhh!
SUSAN [trying to cover up] HI! Hi there you two! C'mon in!

CURTAIN

***

ACT II

[ Some time later. NEIL by himself. CARL enters]

NEIL: Is sheÂ…is Sandra okay?
CARL: YeahÂ…I think she'll be all right now. A bit too much to drink. I thought I'd betterÂ…you knowÂ…leave them to it. Girls togetherÂ…
NEIL: Oh, you like that idea hunh? Girls together? Hoping to see some action later?
CARL [shocked]: What the hell do you mean?
NEIL [apparently showing concern]: Does your wife often do this kind of thingÂ…get drunk at people's houses and throw up? I'm only asking becauseÂ… as a friend of yoursÂ… I feel I should know.
CARL [angry, but trying to keep calm]: No of course she doesn'tÂ…she's just a bitÂ…Well, the way you spoke to her I'm not surprised she got upsetÂ…she's a bitÂ…
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CARL: She doesn't like having other people's fecundity thrust in her face.
NEIL:Â…Oh she doesn't, hunh?
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NEIL: I don't see why I can't talk about my children. God knows we waited long enough for them.
CARL [puzzled]: I thought Susan said you married her because she was pregnant?
NEIL: I didÂ…she was.
CARL: Anyhow, I'm asking you if you wouldn't mind not talking about our lack of children. We'd like to have children; we just haven't achieved that yetÂ… It's rather a sore subject.
NEIL [quietly reasonable]: I only told her the truth. I don't happen to think she looks like good breeding material. It's the same with pigs. Trust meÂ…I know about these things.
CARL: You think it's good manners to compare my wife to a pig?
NEIL [cheerfully]: Why not? I often find myself comparing my wife to a pig. I'd hate you to think I was treating my guests with any less respect than I treat my own wifeÂ…[pause] Here, let me refresh your drink.
CARL: ..I don't think I'd betterÂ…
NEIL: C'mon now... [takes his glass] How long have you lived hereabouts anyway? I'm afraid I don't recall seeing you before tonight, although Susan seems to think she knows you.
CARL: UmmÂ… I'm not sureÂ…a while I suppose. It's been hard getting to know people around here. It was real good of you to ask us over tonight.
NEIL [some kind of recognition dawning]: OhÂ…I seeÂ…You're one of those people.
CARL [rather belligerently]: One of what people? Are you suggesting I'm gay?.
NEIL [vaguely]: Gay? NoÂ…no, that's not what I meantÂ… We've already got a couple of thoseÂ…[more forcefully] Well, if you want to make yourself known in this village you'll need to be more active. Put yourself around a bit. Maybe plough a few pertinent women. Otherwise you might just find yourself disappearingÂ…pouf! Like thatÂ…
CARL: Pertinent women hunh? And is your wife particularly pertinent?
NEIL: Oh Susan's pertinent all right. Everybody knows SusanÂ… and her familyÂ…
CARL [with lascivious anticipation]: Maybe I should just get down and mount her like a goddam hound?
NEIL [mildly]: Maybe you shouldÂ…
[SANDRA enters]
SANDRA [brightly]: Hi you two. I'm feeling okay now.
NEIL: WellÂ…that's nice. Where's Susan?
SANDRA: Oh she'sÂ… just changing into something more comfortable. She'll be right down. She's been telling me all about the house you're going to build.
NEIL [startled]: She told you WHAT?
SANDRA: Why, you two are going to build a lovely new house for yourselves. [ to CARL] Isn't that amazing? Down at Willow Farm I think she said, with four ensuite bedrooms, and a conservatoryÂ…and a hot tub and decking in the garden. It sounds fantastic!
NEIL [threateningly]: Oh it does, does it? [goes to the door and hog-calls upstairs] SOOOWWWIIIEEE! SOOOWWWIIIEEE! [No answer, but NEIL speaks to her as if she is present] SoÂ…Susan Â…that's how you want things to be, is it? [calls again] SUSAN!
SUSAN [calling down]: FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
NEIL [ formally to SANDRA and CARL]: My wife says she'll be with us in a minuteÂ…Can I get you another drink Sandra?
SANDRA [giggles]: Oh, I don't know that I shouldÂ…
CARL: Now, honey...
. SANDRA:Â… butÂ…okay then, I'll have a brandy.

[SUSAN re-enters. She is wearing a revealing gownÂ… and appears more voluptuous than previously]

NEIL: Well hi sweetheart! Don't you look gorgeous? [turns to CARL] Â…Doesn't she?
CARL [uncomfortably]: Unh-hunhÂ…sureÂ…
SUSAN [coquettishly]: AwwwwÂ…C'monÂ…you can do better than that!
CARL [showing some enthusiasm]: You look great, Susan.
SANDRA [Disapproving]: That's a lovely dress.
SUSAN [To CARL]: Why thank you! You don't look too bad yourself.
NEIL: No doubt my wife is looking forward to entertaining you both in our luxurious hot tub. Isn't that right Susan?
SANDRA [delighted]: Oooh yes! I'd love that! When do you think your house will be finished?
NEIL: I really can't say . [To Susan] When would you say our wonderful new home will be finished?
SUSAN : Shut up, Neil!
NEIL: You weren't supposed to talk about itÂ…
SUSAN: It's just as much mine as it is yoursÂ….I'll talk about it if I want to!
NEIL: Â…and I'd appreciate it if you stopped.
SUSAN: The hell I will! I'm not taking orders from some dumb cluck who can't do better for himself than to earn a pittance working for a lunk-head he can remember running around in diapersÂ… who he could ask for twice the money from if he had the Â…the Â…
NEIL [stony]: Â…ballsÂ…is what I think you're looking for, Susan.
SUSAN [contemptuous]: Well somebody's got toÂ…because I haven't seen you find any in twenty yearsÂ…. Though I've a pretty good idea where they'll beÂ… Maybe you should try looking round The Stables to see if Shula's got them stashed away with the rest of her trophiesÂ…
NEIL [almost crying] Â…Stop it SusanÂ…
SUSAN [snarling]: I won't be told what to do by a pig man!
NEIL [a pause, then with dignity, enunciating each word carefully]: That'll beÂ… Assistant Pig Management OfficerÂ…if you don't mind, Susan.
SUSAN [viciously exultant]: You can dress it up in any fancy words from any goddam book you like! You can use Richard Scarry's frigging Storybook Dictionary for all I care!Â…The definition's still the same [spits out the word]Â…LOSER!Â…..

[To CARL and SANDRA, after a pause, and as if the previous exchange has not taken place]

We're hoping we'll be able to move in about two years from nowÂ…once we've got planning permissionÂ…and we'll have to sell this dumpÂ…
NEIL: Â…and live in a caravan while we're building. Christopher's going to love that!
SUSAN: ..Yes, it's a shame about ChrisÂ…it would have been a whole lot easier when he was younger.
NEIL [not to anyone in particular]: When we didn't have him you meanÂ…[To SANDRA] We have this problem you see. We have babiesÂ…and then they disappearÂ…pouf! They're gone. And then they're back, after maybeÂ… fifteen years. You get used to pretending, but it's not the same as having them aroundÂ…and one day you come down to breakfast and there they areÂ… complicated, wanting thingsÂ…right in the middle of your lifeÂ…and you don't even know them. Believe me, you're better off without breeding from those skinny loins of yours.
SANDRA [her hand to her mouth] Ooohhhhh! I can'tÂ… I'd betterÂ…

[exit SANDRA, followed by CARL]

SUSAN [claps slowly]: Attaboy, Neil!Â…That's the way to win friends and influence people!
NEIL [nastily]: Afraid you won't get lover boy into bed now? It's okay Â…I've told him the score. He'll be back.
[CARL re-enters]
Â…Well here he is. Don't mind meÂ…just go play Hump the Hostess.

CURTAIN

***

ACT III

[Later. SUSAN enters, followed by CARL]

SUSAN [sighs]: Get me a drink would you?
CARL [Goes to pour drinks for both of them]: UmmmÂ…I'm sorry I wasn'tÂ…I didn'tÂ…
SUSAN [Gently]: It's okay. Not your fault.
CARL: I don't usually have anyÂ…
SUSAN:Â…problem. YeahÂ…yeah, I know. They always say that.
CARL: TheyÂ…?
SUSAN: Oh, don't flatter yourself you're the first. But it neverÂ…comes to anything.

[They drink in silence. SANDRA enters. She seems only half awake]

SANDRA: I think I fell asleep in the bathroomÂ…
CARL: You did, honeyÂ…I guess it's time we were going.
SUSAN [polite hostess]: AwwwÂ… So soon? I'm sure Neil will be sorry you have to goÂ…wherever he's got toÂ…

[ Behind their backs NEIL enters, carrying a gun. He slowly approaches SUSAN and takes aim at her head. CARL sees him but is frozen in disbelief. As SUSAN turns around, NEIL pulls the trigger. Gunshot sounds, SANDRA screamsÂ… but SUSAN is unharmed.]

CARL [shaken]: Oh my God. I can't believe you just did that.
SUSAN [triumphant]: Ha ha ha HA! You can't do it Neil! You know you can't do it. HA HA HA! You're stuck with this whether you like it or not!
CARL [ relief taking over]: You really had me going there, buddyÂ… that's not a real gun I take itÂ…?
NEIL [toneless]: It's as real as anything else around here. It's as real as that fancy house Susan's got planned for usÂ…
CARL: ThenÂ…it wasn't loaded?
SUSAN [angry-hurt]: Oh it was loaded all right. The son of a bitch meant it!
CARL [bewildered]: I don't get itÂ…I don't understand you two. Will somebody please explain what's going on?
NEIL [flatly]: You want to know what's going on.
CARL:I want the truth.
NEIL [having a Jack Nicholson moment]: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!Â….Let me ask you, CarlÂ…you can have a think before you answerÂ…what's your surname?
CARL [obviously struggling with the question]: Â…My surname?Â…UmmmmÂ…IÂ….IÂ…You know that's odd, but I can't seem to bring it to mind just nowÂ… it must be the drink. Sandra?Â…what's our surname?
SANDRA [rather petulantly]: Well if you don't know honey I'm sure I don't. We must have oneÂ…
NEIL [amused detachment]: Must you?
CARL [getting a little desperate]: That's absurdÂ…of course we must!
NEIL [helpfully]: Plenty of people get by with just their first names most of the time. You probably won't be needing a surnameÂ…unless Joe Grundy has a reason to mention you. Have you met Joe?
NICK [ slowly, uncertain where this is going]: NoÂ…no I don't think I have. Is he important?
SUSAN [wearily]: That depends on who you askÂ…Neil, can we just can it now?
NEIL [shrugs]: Well you've tried, and in my way so have IÂ…but I don't think we're going to make any differenceÂ…they might as well know where they stand.
CARL: Where do we stand?
SUSAN [to Neil]: You can never let things alone, can youÂ…?
NEIL [compassionately]: Â…The thing isÂ…the thing is ...you don't really stand anywhere becauseÂ…you don't actually exist.
CARL [taken aback]: I don't ?
NEIL : You see, it's all down toÂ… exigencies of the plot Â… You may get mentioned from time to time when it helps things alongÂ… but if that's your only functionÂ…well that's it, you don't existÂ…even if you manage to get out for a while on a Saturday night when no one's listening... So I'm afraid that means your hopes of having a family are doomed...completely.
SANDRA [crestfallen]: Oh.
SUSAN: Â…I'm sorry.
CARL: And that's it? We don't get any say in the matter?
NEIL: You bet your agricultural story of everyday folk you don't.
CARL [pause while considering this]: I guess we'd better goÂ…Come on SandraÂ…I don't think we belong here.

[CARL and SANDRA have nothing further to say and leave. Neil moves close to Susan and tentatively reaches out to hold her. She doesn't resist. ]

NEIL [tenderly]: I'm sorryÂ…it wouldn't have worked. They were tooÂ…too..
SUSAN: Â…peripheral?Â…
NEIL: Yes.
SUSAN: It would have been nice to have some friendsÂ…
NEIL: I know, but she wouldn't have allowed it.
SUSAN: Â…You're afraid of her, aren't you?
NEIL: [trying to be jokey]: Who's afraid of Vanessa Whitburn?
SUSAN: We all are.

CURTAIN