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Constanza Llama's Diaree
by Deb Z

It seems that Lynda's llamas have taken a leaf from Helen Fielding, in this account of the past week taken from the Fantasy Archers topic of .

Sunday
Peggee (the weetch) Woollee haf surprise birthday pardee. Thees strange idea to me: obviouslee she know eet her birthday (nod sure eef Jack know ...), an’ evereebodee else know ‘boud pardee, so how ees eet surprise? Naturallemente, Wolfgang an’ I nod eenvided (nod pard of familee) bud neither are Ed an’ Beth (hah!). Howefer, they are eenvided to deenner weeth Weelleeum an’ Emma. Evidemente, deenner pardees comeeng back eento fashion amonst young couples. Resolve to eenvide Meg an’ Meetch ofer for deenner. Wolfgang say I am dreadful matchmaker, bud I theenk they make nice couple - an’ who knows? Maybee she ask me to be bridesmaid ...

Monday
Outhruthee announce beeg sweem muss be cancelled due to problemos ad sweemeeng pool. Thees seem moss stupido to me! I sugess thad we all sweem up an’ down Reever Am, bud then Caroline (nĂ©e-Bone) offer pool ad Gray Gables.

Ed an’ Beth steell haf nod med all veellagers apparentlee: they oud an’ aboud all ofer place. I hear she is moss ardful. Maybee she make draweeng of me for Don Roberto's Chreesmas present, bud probablee she woan. Verree likelee llama's nod olde Eengleesh enouff - too eggsotique. Oleever and Caroline haf eenvited them to deenner - I theenk I ask Beell an’ Ben to small soirĂ©e ...

Tuesday
Wolfgang ees verree pud oud. He spend all morneeng paceeng shed demandeeng,

“Y yo? Why she nod ask me? I can do thees. Eet no problemo!”

Es verdad - I see no reason why Ourrutheee nod ask heem be steward (‘cept he mighd nod cound all my sweemeeng so he pay less!) Finallee he seet down ad pee cee and wride ‘nother ledder to Hulia, useeng pen name “Douglass”. Thees weel haf stop! I muss pud my hoof down! Perhaps afder hees exposicíon ad Lower Loxlee.

Merreehell continue leeve up to name. Eef I were Café I tell Kenton juss where he ged off - howefer thees nod my onions!

Bump eento Fly an’ Hermes, so eenvide them to ead weeth us one day nex’ week ...

Wednesday
I am beeside myself weeth rage! (An eenteresteeng concepd - muss eggsamine eet when haf time). Wolfgang led drop whad Grundees do weeth turkees ad Chreesmas. Eet mass slaughter! When I reecover power of speech I find Wolfgang haf deesappeared so I haf acd by self. Eet nod easee leeberadeeng turkees who no wan’ be free, an’ am horreefied when Ed and the ubeequeetous Beth turn up help JosĂ©.

Aneeway to thank Scruffee and Wald for help (?), feel obliged to eenvide them take pod luck whenefer they passeeng ...

Thursday
The day of beeg sweem. Arrive beet lade, an’ almoss meess group photo - manage to poke head ofer Leenda's shoulder an’ say ”Tuesday”. Wonder why Leeleean haf hair done beefore sweem, an’ eef Wolfgang see her costume - perhaps eet bedder he nod! Cannod help bud noteece thad Shula haf pud beet weight on, and ees busee beecheeng ‘boud other parteeceepands to Ourruthee. Make nodes so can tell Wolfgang lader, onlee to find heem een car park scoffeeng sausage (vegeetareen I hope) rolls weeth Kenton and Daveed.

Leenda an’ Usha seem theenk eet competicíon, bud I make juss as manee lengths as I theenk Wolfgang can afford, an’ am utterlee horreefied to deescover hees lies of mass decepcíon - he haf also sponsored Leeleean, Santa Shula and Usha. He gonna pay for thees een more ways than one!

Eggsit sweemeeng pool feeleeng stranglee lighd headed (muss be chloreene) and vaguelee reemember eenvideeng Alfredo, Snoweedrop and Blossom Silkee to drop ofer eef efer they feeleeng peckeesh ...

Friday
Steell feeleeng beet steeff I deecided to take stroll ‘round veellage, and meed with Meester & Meessus Niels Bohr. They explain thad eelectreecitee been cud of so they oud for the day - or ad leass ‘teel Tommee ged back from Supermarket where he ees tied up. Wonder eef I should pop ofer to Borchester an’ untie heem?

Run eento Bartlebee, who tell me he theenk cider ees ready for dreenkeeng, bud would like Wolfgang's opineeon. Tell heem to come ofer one efeneeng. A leettle lader see Breetnee who bore me to tears talkeeng ‘boud Supercalf. Fortunatelee she theenk moisture een eye due to my luf of other peeples offspreeng (doan deeseelucíon her) an’ eenvides me to chreesteeneeng - apparentlee she gonna be godmother. No commend. End further deescussion by sayeeng eef she wan’ talk ‘boud playgroup further she know where I leeve.

Haf juss pud dussbeens oud, where I med Meg. She haf me een feets recoundeeng Emma and Weelleeum's deenner pardee! She say atmosphere so theeck you could cud eet weeth knife! Look on Emma's face when Beth say eet all beecause of Oleever thad she meed Ed! Bed she has now signed up to peeples ‘gainst Countreeside Campaign (or whadefer). Then Meg reemember the classec reemark:

“Whad” enquire Beth, “Ees thees eenteresteeng cheese?”

“Mankwold!” shout Meg and Meetch from keetchen.

“Borchester Blue,” reply Emma (as preetencíous as efer), “Eet nod to evereebodee's taste.”!!!

Laugh? As Wolfgang say, we nearlee spleet gud!

Muss see Kneel ‘boud hees asseestand - sure Wolfgang could do thees ...

Saturday
Catastophe! There ees surlee some meestake! Meg, Meetch, Beell, Ben, Fly, Hermes, Scruffee, Wald, the Silkee menage à trois, Breetnee an’ Bartlebee all under eemprecíon they eenvided to deenner tonighd! Wolfgang look verree smug (wonder why I nefer beefore notice reesemblance to Santa Shula) and wander off to wine cellar. Meanwhile, I raid garden (small peeckeengs) then neep eento veellage shop see whad Beddee haf on offer. Buy packed cigarillos. Smoke seex on way back to shed. Reeng Tia Delia - she oud. Look up receepees. Spectacles meest up weeth steam. Dreenk cookeeng sherree in error. Smoke ‘nother seex cigarillos - whad hell! Reeng Eendean Takeway. Send Wolfgang to queue beehind Ivee Horrobeen for cheeps. Dreenk ress sherree. Smoke ress cigarillos. Lay table. Lighd candles. Hoofs crosshed for besh!

Naturallemente, efeneeng todal triumph! I am world's greatesh cook! I weel haf stop now, as feeleeng leettle tired and emocĂ­onal ...

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