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Freda's Steak-and-kidney Pie
by Mr Snowy
 This epic take on Don McLean's American Pie comes from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How the music used to make my day
Each time that I'd hear Barwick Green
I'd turn and leave the TV screen
And then I'd let the words whisk me away
Now Caroline gives me the shivers
With every line that she delivers
Prowling round Grey Gables
Does she recall the stables?
Behind the sofa I did hide
When I heard her running back inside
And finally I cried and cried
The day Grace Archer died
(Refrain)
What would Grace say to our Ambridge today
Would she bicker with the vicar
And his socialist ways
And two good old boys there who are loving but gay
Tell me: what d'you think that Gracie would say
What d'you think that Gracie would say
Would she tolerate Sid Perks
With all his homophobic quirks?
Would Bert Fry just bore her so?
Would she succumb to Lynda Snell?
I do not think so; would she hell
But would she reminisce with lonely Joe?
What would she make of Home Farm life
The blackheart and his darling wife?
Imagine Grace's scorn
On hearing of Siobhan
I couldn't see her take Brine's part
For knocking up the Irish tart
Their way of life had far less art
The day Grace Archer died
Refrain
Well it's fifty years since Grace expired
And lately Phil is sounding tired
But that's not how it was round here
Before we all went decimal
When Walter greeted Dan, his pal
In a voice that sounded somewhat queer
That femme fatale, Miss Carol Grey
Held John Tregorran in her sway
Did they give in to passion?
No; love was still on ration
Illicit sex would bring disgrace
When life moved at a slower pace
The lower orders knew their place
The day Grace Archer died
Refrain
Now it's busy, busy, getting in a tizzy
The love-lives of the Squeak and Izzy
Ken and Bren and Alice too
The cricket team is on the up
(But, please, no more of Village Cup
Or plans to make us all recycle poo)
You would not, Grace, dispute the charms
Of buying straight from local farms
But don't touch Helen's cheese
You're better off deceased
What would you say of Dave and Ruth
Not much, if I can tell the truth
Thank goodness folk were oh so couth
The day Grace Archer died
Refrain
And though the years may come and go
With pantomimes and produce shows
We're still awaiting Shula's fall
Remember how we hoped the vet
Would bring her down through gambling debt
But, sad to say, it came to beggar all
We want to see her in the dock
For what she did with Richard Locke
Stood facing Usha's rage
She loves the centre stage
Her sanctity would be in doubt
We'd leave her there to scream and shout
We'd torture her with thoughts about
The day Grace Archer died
Refrain
(Slowly and quietly)
I met a boy with hair so red
He told that his mother's dead
And how he dreams of Stephen's Green
I went into the village store
But Martha works in there no more
The woman there's like nitro-glycerine*
I thought back then to Grace and Phil
In my mind's eye I saw them still
Their courtship was so gentle
Romantic, sentimental
They truly were such charming folk
But then it all went up in smoke
The day Phil Archer's spirit broke
The day Grace Archer died
Refrain
* Unstable, always liable to go off with a bang
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