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Intro: Simon Schama is seen prowling around a rural landscape that does not quite seem British.

SS (to camera): "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times". France was gripped by Revolution. In Paris the Terror reigned. Whilst here in Meyruelle in the remote province of Borsé, even stranger events were unfolding

Scene 1: the headquarters of Meyruelle administration (formerly a hostelry known Les Gables Grises). A meeting of the local Committee for Public Safety is in session

Citizen Grundé (in the Chair): Madame Lynda Vites, you are accused of crimes against the Committee for Public Safety. How do you plead?

Mme Vites: I'm innocent mais naturellement. You know I've always been so keen on public safety. Look at the traffic surveys I have conducted (even when there was no discernible traffic in the village). Remember how I kept the quatre par quatre coaches off the bridleways.

Citizen Grundé: But, Lynda mon amour, you're an aristo. You live at nobby Chateau de Meyruelle. Loyal followers of the Republic keep ferrets, not llamas. Sorry but it's the guillotine for you. Are we agreed, Citizens?

Citizens Cartier and Touquere: Oo ah! Oo ah!

Enter Titquome and Higues: silently they drag Mme Vites away.

Citizen Grundé: And now, mes braves, shall we sample this fine bottle of calvados that I have just liberated from the cellars…….

Scene 2: an hour later at le Vert Village. In the shadow of the guillotine, a crowd has assembled. At the front sit two women; their youthful good looks have begun to run to fat.

Enter Guillaume (sternly): Maman, Suzanne. Do you have to sit here, day after day, knitting.

Mme Grundé: We're only doing it for le petit Georges (bless him). Look at this lovely matinee jacket and bootees that I've made him.

Guillaume: But, Maman, don't you realise how long you've both been sat here. Georges is five now (He leaves)

Mme Grundé: What's that you're knitting, Suzanne. It's such a pretty pattern - what is it?

Mme Cartier: Well, Clarice, it's the Archere family tree. I got it from le Tôme des Archeres. I want to make sure we bring them all to justice for their crimes against peasantry of Borsé (to say nothing of badgers and muntjacs) So I'm knitting all their names into this what-not.

Mme Grundé: I'm feeling a bit peckish - a good execution always makes me hungry. Do you fancy a chien-chaud from that cart over there, the one that says "Snaques Gourmets"

Before Suzanne can reply, a drum roll starts. Lynda enters on a tumbrel and is led up to the guillotine by Titquome and Higues.

Mme Cartier: Go on. Lop her head off. Boo! Hiss! Nasty, bossy aristo.

Suddenly there is a commotion on the scaffold. The masked executioner attacks Titquome and Higues. He takes Lynda and they both leap onto the Snaques Gourmets cart which drives off.

Mme Grundé: Well my Eddie's not going to pleased about that! But who was that masked man, that lone stranger?

Mme Cartier: Look he's left something behind. It's some paper with a picture on - it's something small and yellow. There's some writing too. Oh, you read it, Clarice, you know I'm not good with words

Mme Grundé: It says:

They seek him here
They seek him there
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere
He is so macho
He's not a weed
That darned elusive Mustardseed

Oh, Suzanne, what does it all mean?

Scene 3: two days later in the bar-tabac "Le Taureau". Behind the counter is the proprietor, René Perques, aimlessly cleaning wine glasses. Enter Krustee, a buxom but unwashed serving maid.

Krustee: Ohhhhh René!!!!

René (rather less enthusiastically): Oh Krustee!

Krustee: Ohhhhh René!!!! Fold me in your powerful arms.

Krustee rushes up to René and crushes him in an embrace. René has the distracted look of someone who wishes he was elsewhere. Enter René's wife, Jolene.

Jolene: René!!!! What is the meaning of this?

René: You stupid woman! Cannot you see that this poor girl has just received bad news about relatives in Paris and I was consoling her in her grief

Enter a tall distinguished woman in long gaberdine coat and beret.

René: Oh no. It is Caro of the Royalist Resistance. She will have come to tell us her latest stupid plan to remove the escaped aristocrat whom she has hidden in our attic.

Caro (approaching the bar furtively and whispering out of the corner of her mouth): Listen carefully. I shall say this only once.

René: Why?

Caro: Well I suppose it's because the SWs only get 12 minutes a day and they don't want to waste any time. Anyway, here is the plan to smuggle out Mme Vites.

René sighs

Caro: You, René, are the manager of the Meyruelle boules team, n'est-ce pas? And today is the day of the annual away match against Darrintagnon. And you are always struggling to raise a full team. So you will dress Mme Vites as a boules player and she can go with the rest of you.

René: Sacre Bleu, Caro. This plan is crazy. A simple disguise surely will not work

Caro: We must take heart from the words of Meyruelle's greatest philosopher, Christophe Descartes - incognito ergo sum. But, René, you don't look happy; are you troubled about quelque chose?

René: Oh Caro. I am a man of the people. I do not like helping you to smuggle out these aristocrats.

Caro: But you mustn't weaken. You mustn't desert the cause. Don't walk away, René!! Otherwise I will sell my shares in Le Taureau. Now I must go but I will return to see the team leave. Au revoir

Caro leaves. Citizen Grundé enters

Grundé: Bonjour, René.

René: Good morning, Citizen. What news from the Revolution?

Grundé: Forget about the Revolution for a moment. I need to ask a favour of you.

René: Oooooh Nooooooo! You surely don't want to hear Jolene sing again. Her musique de la pays et de l'ouest. C'est terrible!!!

Grundé: Well it's not so much a favour as a little business proposition, René. Have a charcuterie at this.

He unrolls a canvas

René: It is a painting of two rather sweet young men with large knockwursts.

Grundé: It is a masterpiece by van Burger. I've just removed it for safe-keeping. You know the motto of the Grundés - one for all and all for me! You will hide this for me. You can put it in one of those large smelly cheeses from le Ferme du Pont that you keep in your cellar. No one else dare go near them

René: But why should I do this for you, Citizen?

Grundé: Because if you don't I shall be forced to tell the Committee for Public Safety of the illegal chemin de fer school that you permit in your back room

The door to the back room suddenly bursts open. A grey-faced man staggers towards the door as if in a trance.

Grundé/René (in unison and smirking knowingly at each other): Bonjour, M. le Vétinarie

M. le Vétinarie (grumpily): What's so ruddy bon about it?

As M. le Vétinarie leaves, Citizen Cartier rushes in

Cartier: Great news, Citizens. We've just made another arrest. And you'll never guess who it is

Grundé: Is it the Count of Monte Muntjac?

Cartier (surprised): Er, no. Don't you remember, Citizen, he is so dim that he handed himself in at the first whiff of revolution. No, it is someone far more evil.

Grundé: You don't mean……..

Cartier: Yes!!

Grundé: No!!!!!

Grundé/Cartier/René (as one): The Duchesse de Chula!!!!!!!!!

Scene 4: the Palais du Justice (formerly the ballroom at les Gables Grises). It is packed. Near the front sit Mesdames Grundé and Cartier, each of them knitting whilst simultaneously waving the flag of the Republic (Note: this is a pretty neat trick when you think about it and it has earned them the nickname of les Tricoleurs)

The Duchesse du Chula looks imperiously around her at the baying mob and addresses the Court.

Duchesse: I just can't understand it. I thought that everyone loved me. All those thankless tasks I've taken on for the good of the village. All that good advice I have dispensed over the years.

Citizen Grundé (presiding): Well it looks like you got that one wrong. Now we're here to give you a fair trial but, just to make sure you don't get off, we've brought in a special prosecutor all the way from Paris. May I introduce M. Jacques Ouze?

Duchesse (anxiously): Oh weren't you involved in the Dreyfus trial?

M Ouze: Mais oui

A nonagenarian leaps to his feet and rushes out (well, insofar as you can use the words "leap" and "rush" about a nonagenarian)

Grundé: M. Ouze, it's best not to use that expression in front of Citizen Poulain.

Duchesse: But am I not entitled to legal representation.

Grundé: Mmmm. Fair's fair, Coeur-du-bonbon. Tell you what; you can have anyone from that bench over there to speak up for you

The Duchesse surveys the bench. It contains Derek Flétchere, Nathan Bouthe, Mme Pugslé, le gros Paul and André and Geoffroi from the Ferme Chez Nous. She lets out her famous "harrrumphhh" She begins to suspect that the court is less than impartial. This feeling is not helped when she notices the coat-of-arms on the wall - a guillotine supported by two kangaroos.

M. Ouze: I will now call my first witness, M le Curé.

The Usher escorts the Curé. As he enters the witness box, he catches Usher's dusky Asian eye and she winks at him

A stranger interrupts

Stranger: That's enough of this. I let you get away with that Dreyfus reference but really - Hindus in a remote village in eighteenth century France.

Author: But I never expected …….

Stranger: No one expects the Anachronism Police. But we're always here to stop this sort of nonsense.

Author: But there were adherents of diverse religions about then. There is at least one great novel on this them

Stranger: Prove it then.

Author: There's the story of the Muslim cleric at the court of Louis XIV. Mind you, he didn't have very good facilities. He had to work from this rusty old hovel.

Stranger: I've never heard of this. What's it called?

Author: The Iman in the Iron Mosque

The stranger admits defeat and disappears in cloud of smoke

Meanwhile back at the trial the Curé of Meyruelle is giving evidence

M. Ouse: Will you tell the court your full name

TCOM: I am Alain Candide

M. Ouse: And do you believe that the Duchesse should be executed

TCOM: It's probably for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

M. Ouse: Merci. That is all

TCOM: Now can I go and cultivate my garden?

M Ouse: And my next witness is this filthy down-trodden peasant. Tell us your name, peasant

Peasant: Les, your honour, Les Miserables

M Ouse: And will you describe for the court the one conversation that you had with the Duchesse.

Peasant: Well, your honour, I was working in the fields one day when the Duchesse came riding by and she asked me about the crop. I said that the harvest had failed, the wheat was ruined and the peasants had no bread.

M Ouse: And what did the Duchesse say to that

Peasant (evasively): She said something about fishing

M Ouse: Come on, man. What did she say?

Peasant (even more evasively): Well she said something about Meyruelle being quite near the coast and perhaps the sea could save us.

M Ouse: For goodness sake, man, tell us her precise words

Grundé (to no one in particular): Cor he's even better than that Jerome Paixhomme, isn't he

Peasant: To my best recall she said ……..

M Ouse: Spit it out!

Peasant: Let them eat hake

M Ouse: Enfin! You may step down

Grundé: I think we've all heard enough. She's obviously guilty. Is that agreed, lads?

Citizens Cartier and Touquere nod vigorously in agreement

Grundé: Well it's dinner time. What say we head down to le Taureau for a quick flagon of the old Biere de la Comté and we do the sentencing afterwards?

Scene 5: a filthy old wagon with a sign saying "Snaques Gourmet". There stands a man who seems totally at odds with his surroundings; he is a dandy dressed in silks of mustard-yellow.

Enter another man in peasant's clothing and with a faint odour of pigs.

Dandy: Well, Thomas. How is the trial proceeding?

Thomas: It's all over, Sir Nigel. She has been found guilty

Sir Nigel Pargetter (for indeed the dandy is he): So she is sentenced to the guillotine.

Thomas: No, Sir Nigel. Jacques Ouze claimed that her crimes were so heinous that she deserved a worse fate than that. She is to be burned alive on the highest place in the area.

SNP: Ah, the Mont du Lac! Curse these Frenchies. How could they do this to my beautiful blonde Duchesse?

Thomas: Is there some history between you and the Duchesse.

SNP (sighs): Oh we were very young then. Even so how could I, the Mustardseed, not try to rescue her.

Thomas: But think of the danger, Sir Nigel. Think of your wife.

SNP: Ah yes, Lady Sarah. She is indeed a formidable woman. They say she has the sharpest mind in Borsetshire (to say nothing of the sharpest tongue). I don't understand what makes her love a numbskull like me. But, fond as I am of Lady Sarah, the Duchesse (sighs again) - to me she will always be The Woman

Thomas: Sir Nigel, I have a cunning plan.

SNP: And what might that be, Thomas? No, let me guess - the old Gourmet Snacks routine?

Thomas (sounding pained): D'oh. But I do have another fiendish ruse.

He turned over the gourmet snacks sign. On the reverse it says "Glaces Premiers par Monsieur le Neige" He looks hopefully at Sir Nigel

SNP: I think not, Thomas; those days are long behind me. Besides I have a spiffing little wheeze of my own. Mummy would have been so proud of me.

Thomas: Not the gorilla suit, Sir Nigel?

SNP: Not this time! No this is something altogether more audacious. We shall break into the cells where the Duchesse is being held and smuggle her out.

Thomas: But how?

SNP: I have discovered that when Les Gables Grises was converted to administrative offices, Citizen Grundé engaged a wide boy called Matthieu Crawfarge to do the job on the cheap. And to cut costs only one lock was used. In fact Crawfarge repeated the scam through the whole of Borsé province. And I have obtained the key and it will unlock all of these doors.

Thomas: But that's incredible. Surely it cannot be.

SNP: Oh yes it is, Thomas. This has become famous in the whole government of France. Everyone has heard of the Key Borsé!!!

Scene 6: the condemned cell below the Palais du Justice. The Duchesse da Chula is sitting on the floor repeatedly tossing a tennis ball against the opposite wall.

The cell door opens and two washerwomen enter.

Duchesse: What is the meaning of this intrusion?

First Washerwoman (twiddling his spectacles): It is I, Pargetter.

Duchesse: Sir Nigel, is it really you? Have you come to rescue me? Wasn't it terribly hazardous

He hands a card which says "Dangerous Liaisons R Us - for all your escape needs, consult the Mustardseed"

SNP: Actually it wasn't too difficult. We just had to talk our way past some buffoon who claimed to be the Deputy Manger here. And even he seemed more interested in some sort of chart he was making.

Duchesse: I don't want you to think I've been totally idle here. You see that picture on the wall

SNP: I say, isn't that the picture of the two rather sweet young men with large knockwursts by van Burger. I heard that it was missing.

Duchesse: Well I'm just using it to hide the escape tunnel that I'm digging.

SNP: Ah, my poor, deluded Duchesse. Do you not realise that tunnels take years to dig and you are to be executed tomorrow

Duchesse (sadly): I know

SNP: I know you know

Duchesse: I know you know I know

SNP: I know. It's all so brave of you, so terribly, heart-renderingly, stiff-upper-lippingly brave of you and yet somehow stupid

Duchesse: How long has it been?

SNP: Well, Duchesse, I really think that's a private matter between Lady Sarah and me

Duchesse: No, sweet boy, how long has it been since you and I ……..

SNP: Oh, many years

Duchesse: Many, many years

SNP: Many, many, many years

Thomas (Second Washerwoman): Nice though it is to reminisce, Sir Nigel, shouldn't we be getting the Duchesse out of here.

Duchesse: But I'm so weak. They barely feed me in here

Thomas: Would you like some of my sausage?

She slaps him across the face

Voice off: Well, well ,well! What have we got here then

Enter Citizen Grundé with a band of troopers

Grundé: Evening, all

Epilogue: Simon Schama is seen standing on le Vert, Meyruelle.

The familiar music fades in. An unseen choir starts to sing -

Allons, enfants de la patrie
La mayonnaise est arrivée

SS: Ah the "Mayonnaise"!! What an evocative anthem. It's the ultimate Gallic symbol. Now did Sir Nigel elude Grundé and rescue the Duchesse or did she indeed burn on the Mont du Lac? Sadly this is the end of this account of Sir Nigel and the Duchesse de Chula, this tale of two villagers. We will never know the conclusion because the remaining documents were lost in one of the arson attacks of Francois Boisson du Miel in the 1960s.

SS stalks around the Green. He pauses - the camera moves into close-up of his profile. He turns his head to show his face

SS (in confidential tone): For myself I think she died. If she had passed on those genes, we would surely have heard of her descendants

Director: Cut! It's a wrap

SS (to the crew): How was it, darlings? Did I reach new heights of brilliance or have there been far, far better things that I have done?

Fin

More parodies - from Agatha Christie to Damon Runyon



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