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The Ultimate Speaking Part
by SheilaSovietSong

Here's an unusal perspective from The Archers message board.

BrianÂ’s Car sat outside Lower Loxley, trying to control his nerves. Only a few minutes to go now, and then it was it, his greatest moment so far. Almost the Ultimate Speaking Part.

HeÂ’d never built up his expectations: when you took on a role with "Driver: Careful", then you pretty much knew what you were up for. The odd purrrr purrrr vroom vroom whilst your occupants wondered whether they were going to get to Hollerton Junction in time to catch the train, or observed some minor piece of plot business on the roadside. If you were lucky, a breakout of bullocks onto the road. On the whole, though, it was a small job every few months, nothing exciting, but a regular paycheck for years to come.

NigelÂ’s Car gave him the thumbs up. Ironic really. When you get "Driver: Well meaning but Erratic" you expect the odd moment of stardom. When the rumour started that Nigel would be arrested for drunk driving, NigelÂ’s Car thought his hour had come. HeÂ’d even done some improvisation sessions with Generic Police Car to get himself in the mood. That was courting bad luck: when the script came out and it emerged the whole business happened off-mike, NigelÂ’s Car had been devastated. Not only was there no centre-stage dialogue for the cars, NigelÂ’s Bike suddenly got major attention. NigelÂ’s Bike, who NigelÂ’s Car had continually snubbed in the canteen. It just showed it paid to be nice all round.

Of course, the worst thing was to be saddled with "Driver: Careful and non-speaking". The most you could generally hope for was a whooshing sound (e.g. "oh, there goes Chris Carter joyriding in a Ferrari." "Whooosh") or the occasional slammed door.

Jack’s Car had fared better. He had the handicap of playing a make of car that was reknowned for being practically silent. However, there was the bonus of two gabby passengers, and it was generally agreed that Jack’s Car was a quality artiste – no-one could do a semi-audible purring hum like Jack’s Car.

That was a standard audition piece for cast members, JackÂ’s Car. That and the Ultimate Speaking Part, the part that every car both hoped and feared would turn up in a new batch of scripts. Screeehch, Screeehch, Screeehch. Crumple. Smash. Tinkle Tinkle. Drip Drip Drip. Whump, whoosh BANG crackle crackle BANG. It meant it was the end of your character, but most cars thought it was worth it. Even when very drunk at his farewell do, WilliamÂ’s Car had had no regrets.

And BrianÂ’s Car had lucked out. A featuring role, up to and including Tinkle Tinkle. The Ultimate part, but without the ultimate payoff. He and Local Ambulance had got the scene off pat. He wondered about ad-libbing a Drip, just to add an extra frisson for the audience, but Local Ambulance warned against it. SheÂ’d seen too many cars ad-libbing their way into Ultimate when they could have been Recoverably Wrecked if theyÂ’d just stuck to the script.

The red-haired human was coming out of the house. BrianÂ’s Car felt a surge of confidence. This is what is was all about, this was where he was meant to be. Deserted country road here I come.

Microphone. Action. Vroom vroom.