麻豆社

From Sarah Joseph, Editor of a Muslim lifestyle magazine:

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Yesterday was the 26th anniversary of my dad鈥檚 passing. 听听

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My relationship with my dad was complex. My parents had separated when I was 15 months. Our issues weren鈥檛 dealt with when he was alive, so when he died suddenly at 57, the week before my wedding, I was left with a huge mountain of grief, peppered with unresolved anger, and more than a sprinkling of regret.

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Now grief, I have come to accept, is a strange thing. It鈥檚 a master of disguise, morphing itself into all sorts of shapes, as we struggle to manage loss.

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For me, I draw inspiration from the Islamic maxim, that nothing is lost with God. Everything remains with The Merciful. And the Qur鈥檃n reminds us, even an atom鈥檚 weight of our actions remain with Him. But that doesn鈥檛 dismiss the reality, that even with faith, grief can be hard to deal with.

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Indeed, the emotions about my dad often leak through. I can vividly remember bawling my eyes out when my daughter was 15 months old 鈥� the age I was when my parents separated. My inner children cried - Was I not enough to make him stay?

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There were to be many more milestones in my children鈥檚 lives where grief would suddenly explode. 听Parents evenings, plays, concerts, and the feelings of anger that my dad never came to any of mine 鈥揳nd now could never come to anything of mine ever again. Anger that he didn鈥檛 even make my wedding 鈥� although, to be fair, he did have a good excuse for that one!

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I find the power and pain of regret can be debilitating. It never ceases to amaze me the emotions we can hold within us, without even knowing they are there.

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A final resolution came fairly recently, when I had a dream. 听Whether it was some great spiritual moment, or my sub-conscious finally coming to terms, I can鈥檛 tell you, but given I was stuck for 20 plus years in the denial and anger stage, ever since the dream I have reached acceptance.

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In the dream, my dad, wearing cricket whites, was walking across the grass. He looked glowing. He looked young. And we had the biggest hug鈥�