麻豆社

When she was a child, Sian’s dad had mental health problems – he suffered from manic depression, as bipolar disorder was known then. But it was a real shock to see her mum become unwell. She was only 10 years old when Myra had a breakdown, but had no idea it could be more serious and ongoing. “I remember being quite upset with myself that I hadn't realised that,” Sian recalls.

“It’s such a huge thing for a child to have on their shoulders,” observes Myra who is touched that Sian would think like that but is not surprised that she didn’t put two and two together.

A serious recurrence

The next episode was even more dramatic. It happened in July 2020, during the pandemic but at a time when travel restrictions had relaxed. Myra, Sian (now in her 40s) and Sian’s two daughters had been to Canvey Island for the weekend. While it was a happy day, Sian noticed that her mum was perhaps a bit “too happy".

“She was elated and it was really out of character,” remembers Sian, “she was a million miles an hour, talking to strangers, being overly friendly, and I just knew things were not right.”

Things escalated quickly

While Sian initially thought that if she could get her mum to sleep she would be “right as rain”, it became more obvious with every moment that an intervention was needed.

“She was not sitting still long enough to finish a meal, and it was becoming quite destructive. I remember thinking ‘I don’t how to look after mum and look after the girls and keep them safe at the same time.’”

Sian drove Myra to meet the Crisis team. “I was filming everyone in their cars. It was just crazy, really,” says Myra.

“The most confident I have been in my life.”

“People think that you don’t remember much when you have a breakdown,” Myra says, “but it's a bit like being drunk when you dip in and out of remembering things and not remembering things. Certainly, for me, I remember a lot of it.”

Characterising what a manic episode feels like, Myra says that the elation made her feel “the most confident I've been in my life".

“I just think, ‘Oh my God, if I was this confident all the time, I would have gone miles.’ But you know that that's not reality. And it's very, very painful for your family and the people around you while you're in the actual manic phase.”

With no medication available until after the weekend, the assessment process started. The hospital had told Sian they wanted to section Myra – her expressed wish was not to be formally admitted, but that wasn’t a practical course of action.

“At this point I banned Sian from seeing me because in my madness she was now my enemy,” recalls Myra.

But Sian was determined to be there for her mum.

“Unfortunately, this was the worst abuse she suffered from me,” recalls Myra. “As she came towards me, I grabbed her arm and threatened to bite her. The terror in her eyes and her pleading will stay with me forever.”

In September 2021, Myra was formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Initially shocked by seeing it written down, Myra and some her friends thought it might be a mistake.

Overall, however, Myra has found the definition of her condition to be a mixed blessing. On the one hand, Myra thinks that the diagnosis is a good thing “because you can understand yourself a lot more.” On the other hand, she feels that she could easily say, “Oh, well, you know, I've got this thing and so I'm going to give in to it.”

“Light at the end of the tunnel.”

Sian has now moved to the south coast but Myra visits a lot and takes her granddaughters to the beach. Sian isn’t on hand so much, but Myra hasn't given in – she has widened her support network, making use of the social prescriber at her GP surgery, who organises walking groups and craft activities.

Though playing slightly less of a frontline role now, Sian’s resilience in the face of her mother’s bipolar disorder is still strong.

“I think one of the main things is to know it's an illness and that people get better, and then things do go back to normal. Because I knew that mum got ill before and she got better, I was so confident that it was just a phase, and that you'll come out the other end. And that gave mum the confidence to remember that as well.”

“When you know that there's like a light at the end of the tunnel, it helps you live through the horrible bit.”