麻豆社

This week on Jacob Hawley: On Love, I’m looking at the topic of marriage.

The best example of marriage that I鈥檝e managed to observe up close has been my parents.

Is marriage, or indeed monogamy, becoming outdated in 2021? Do my generation still look to marriage as the logical conclusion to a relationship? And how is marriage becoming more inclusive? As an out-of-work comedian who can barely afford ‘The Good Washing Up Liquid’, let alone an engagement ring, marriage isn’t something I’ve had the means to experience yet, even if I’d wanted to.

The best example of marriage that I’ve managed to observe up close has been my parents.

This current lockdown is the longest period I’ve gone without seeing my parents since the summer of 2010, when I ran away for the summer to work a season in the Greek party resort of Faliraki. My Dad came out to visit me during that summer. He came on his own because my Mum couldn’t get the time off work and he was looking forward to it for weeks. He only had four days but it was the first trip he’d done alone in decades.

I was still working my little bar job during his stay so he had a lot of time to himself. On the second day I met him and asked if he was enjoying himself. He told me ‘this is the first time in years I’ve not been either at work, where my boss tells me what to do, or at home, where your Mum tells me what to do. It’s the first time I’ve been able to do what I like, when I like, and I’m in a beautiful place to spend my time. And I’m utterly miserable’.

There’s a lot to unpack there. The fact that free will is perhaps a myth, something that we idealise but never truly want. The fact that men like my Dad, who have worked their entire lives and sacrificed so much for their families are probably at their happiest when they have duties to fulfil, a role to perform, and are at a bit of a loss when they have pure, unrestricted leisure time. The fact that, by 2010, Faliraki was no longer the mad, dance-til-sunrise resort it once was, and sadly, a middle-aged man who had come out for a good time just couldn’t find the party, the music or the vibe he was looking for (if he sees this and reads that I have associated him with the concept of a ‘vibe’ he will disown me).

There’s also the implication that my Dad just lives to serve both my Mum and his boss. I can’t really speak to his working life, but I can say that, in terms of his home life, that isn’t quite the case.

They’re pretty well balanced.

He hoovers, she cooks, he drives, she navigates, he gets up to let the dog out, she washes the dogs feet when he comes in the back door. Every now and then on a Saturday night they’ll stay up late and watch music videos on the music channels (like a couple of teenagers in 2003) and even then, there’s a nice balance - Mum has a bit of Classic - 80s, Dad’s allowed a few from MTV Rock.

They’re a typical old married couple, they’ve learned the little ways in which to make each other happy, they tip toe around each other's flaws, and they both like the same soap operas.

My Dad initially proposed... she said no, because she expected someone better might come along. In the end, no one did.

It’s really as simple as that.

My parents will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary next year. My Dad initially proposed to my Mum long before I was born, and she said no, because she expected someone better might come along. In the end, no one did, my Mum had me, and they got married a few weeks after I was born, not because they necessarily felt a duty to me, but because my Mum’s Dad was critically unwell and they thought, if they ever were to have a wedding, they wanted him to be a part of it.

Not exactly a fairytale story, is it?

As with all parents, sometimes, one of them will wind me up and I’ll go to the other one and say ‘Hey, parent. The other parent is annoying me. They have this annoying thing that they keep doing. Have you noticed that about the other parent?’ And it will enrage me, the way that they can just sit there, listen to me, and just sanguinely agree. ‘Yes, I have noticed that about my spouse. They do that thing.’

They love each other so much that they can just calmly accept each other’s flaws without feeling like they need to be addressed.

They make each other laugh. They take the mick, and they accept having the mick taken out of them. They fall out and make up quickly. They suffer for each other, but always feel that their suffering is acknowledged and appreciated.

It's genuinely quite annoying how good they are at being married. It’s certainly set a pretty high bar.

Both myself and my sister are in long-term relationships with children, and neither of us are married to our partners. Whilst most of my friends are in long-term relationships, only a very small fraction have tied the knot.

Perhaps it's because many of us can’t afford it. We rent our houses, we lease our cars, throwing thousands at a wedding would seem daft. Perhaps religion is less of a factor, my parents likely felt the pressure of my Irish, supposedly Catholic, Nan in making their decision to marry. Maybe, like my Mum, some of us are still waiting for someone better to come along (if my partner reads this, I absolutely am not).

I mention my partner. Tonight, I’ll cook the dinner, and she’ll clean up afterwards. She will bath our daughter, I’ll clothe her afterwards and get her ready for bed. And at the weekend, I’ll force a smile and bob my head as she plays some Steely Dan, and she’ll grit her teeth and look at her phone as I play some Drake. Perhaps we haven’t formalised our love with wedding rings, two grands worth of flowers, and buying a three-course meal for a cousin’s boyfriend that we hadn’t previously met. But when it comes to appreciating each other and making each other happy on a daily basis, we’ve learned from the best.

Jacob Hawley is a comedian and the presenter and creator of 麻豆社 Sounds’s award-winning podcast Jacob Hawley: On Drugs. The second series Jacob Hawley: On Love is out now.

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