Seven tips for how to make better conversation
In Listen and learn: how to make better conversation, Michael Rosen is joined by Eddy Canfor-Dumas and Peter Osborn, authors of a recent book called The Talking Revolution. The pair explain their initiative for improving the quality of human connection: how we talk and relate to each other worldwide. Improving our dialogue is good for everything - from beating problems in the boardroom to resolving conflict on a global scale, and at home.
So listen up! Here are seven tips for how to make better conversation.
1. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood
Many of us are in constant ‘transmit mode’, and find it much harder to switch to ‘receiving mode’, but this causes all sorts of problems in personal and professional relationships.
In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey states ‘seek to understand before seeking to be understood.’ In essence, listen first.
It’s important to absorb the other person’s point of view and try to fully understand what they are saying before you start to give your opinion or issue your challenge to them.
2. Show your understanding
Once you understand the other person’s point of view, show that understanding by feeding back to them what you’ve heard. Useful responses are “exactly” or “I couldn’t have put it better myself.” These demonstrate that you’re on the same wavelength. When the person knows they’re understood then you can start to offer suggestions or challenge something they’ve said or thought – but not before.
Your brain will tune in to the most confident person
Researchers have found that if someone appears confident then we are likely to be influenced by them - our brains literally tune in to confident people.
By meeting the needs of the person you’re talking to – the need to be heard, the need to be respected, the need to be understood – you create a connection through which the substantive stuff can flow.
Once you understand the other person鈥檚 point of view, show that understanding by feeding back to them what you鈥檝e heard.
3. Collaborate to reach creative solutions
Eddy and Peter use the term ‘creative conversation’ because this approach helps to create new thinking and new understanding. Really engaging with what someone else is saying, and doing your best to feed back with your understanding of what it was, can sometimes lead to new insights that neither of you could have come up with individually.
Also, showing understanding helps the other person to open up, share more, say more, and feel more safe and free, which helps them to really explore their own thoughts. Between you it’s possible to create something that didn’t exist before and that gives you both a way forward.
4. Break the habit of a lifetime
We’ve all got conversational habits that we’ve grown up with but sometimes we’re not aware of them ourselves. These might be drifting off when someone else is talking, or rambling on so that no one else can get a word in edgeways.
Try and work out what these patterns are and recognise when they’re emerging. It’s time to challenge these habits and instead focus on listening and understanding.
5. Don’t listen to criticise
Some people will listen in order to better criticise, finding clues to use as arrows to throw back at the opposition. This is something that we see every day in the world of politics where people form polarising tribes and then struggle to talk across those divides.
Don’t listen in order to pull out potential verbal weapons but listen to better understand the other side of the argument.
Why do so many of us feel like a fraud?
Oliver Burkeman explores the impostor phenomenon.
6. Practise makes perfect
Eddy and Peter have a useful group exercise: they put two individuals together (who may have just met) and ask them to quickly find something that they disagree on. They then make one person stick in the role of understanding while the other explains what they feel.
It can help those individuals to realise what an amazing gift it is to lend someone an ear - and how rare it is. Try actively practising this skill with a friend so you can then fall back on it when you find yourself in a real moment of conflict or disagreement.
7. Choose the channel you use to communicate through
Face-to-face communication is the gold standard and the further you move away from that gold standard the narrower the channel through which you’re trying to communicate.
On the telephone, for example, you don’t have the physical presence – your voice has to do all the work. With texting there is no voice even, just written words. And if you’re using anonymity on Twitter and other social media platforms, the channel is even narrower.
Capacitated by pseudonyms, conversations can more easily become insulting and abusive. It’s important to understand a different channel’s capacity to help or hinder communication. If you can, aim for face-to-face communication whenever and wherever possible.
How plants communicate
More from Radio 4
-
Listen and learn: how to make better conversation
How improving our dialogue is good for everything, from helping excluded children to resolving conflict.
-
How to have a constructive argument
Disagreement can help us reach better outcomes - it's just how we go about it.
-
Nine secrets to improve your relationships
Practical tips for helping the important relationships in your life run smoothly.
-
Is narcissism on the rise?
Jolyon Jenkins on how to spot a narcissist and how to treat it when it becomes a disorder.