麻豆社

The clock is ticking and everyone (i.e. your Mum) is telling you that you should be thinking about marriage. But how do you find that special someone?

In his Stand-Up Special, Bilal Zafar reveals his quest for love, and spills the beans on his Muslim dating app experiment...

Shortly after my brother’s wedding, my mum told me that I should consider getting married while I’m still young. I pretended I couldn’t talk because I was on the phone (fortunately she didn’t realise I wasn’t even holding a phone). Then I started to think about how my parents got married fairly young and started a family, something I would actually like to do. I’m a British-Pakistani Muslim, and traditionally someone in my position might be expected to have an arranged marriage. There are a lot of misconceptions about this in the UK – people assume marriages are forced and that everyone is unhappy, but my parents had an arranged marriage, and they still seem to like each other.

However, as a young, (apparently) promising, London-based comedian, surely I don’t need my parents setting anything up for me, so I thought dating apps could be the way to go. I’d used the generic apps before with no luck though, so I thought I’d try a slightly different approach. I went on the app store and discovered Muslim Tinder – Minder.

It started off easy: "Name: Bilal, Age: 25", but then it got a bit tricky. I got to profession and it didn’t let me type any words in; there was a drop down list with no option for "Comedian", "Actor" or even "Writer" so I ended up putting "Other". It wasn’t the best start.

Eventually I was all set: it was finally time to start some Mindering and find my wife!

A lot like Tinder, I got a match but no one had spoken for about 30 minutes. I spoke first: "Hi" and then remembered that is a different world now; this is Muslim tinder, so I went with "Salam". I found myself having to explain that my parents are OK with my choice of my career, and not disappointed. I was asked what my caste is, got confused and answered, "well, I was cast in Hollyoaks". I thought I was doing very well with one match in particular until she asked where I see myself in five years (I didn’t even know where I’d be the next day). I answered; "Probably in a newer version of Minder." I was immediately unmatched.

I started to feel a bit disappointed that my Muslim dating app experiment wasn’t going to plan. In fact I started to feel exactly the same as when I used mainstream dating apps. And then it occurred to me that it was really all the same: I had been obsessing over these cultural things and certain terms so much, I had tricked myself into thinking it was all completely different. In fact I’d been going through the same emotions, the same hope and embarrassment of trying to impress people that everyone goes through. Whatever we’re looking for in love and however we approach it, Muslim or non-Muslim, we’re all basically the same.

Listen to Bilal Zafar's Modern British Love here.