麻豆社

'Spot the Scouser' might be a game worth playing at this year's Royal Variety Performance. It's being staged for the first time at Liverpool's Empire theatre in the year the city celebrates its 800th birthday, and just days before Liverpool becomes Capital of culture 2008.

You'll find plenty in the cheap seats and amid the well-heeled and well-to-do (the city has a branch of Coutts bank now don't you know), but on stage you'll be pushed to find one - in fact, as things stand, you won't.

Does this matter? More on that later.

John Bon Jovi

The line-up itself, depending on your tastes, doesn't look too bad. Rock legends Bon Jovi headline a galaxy of stars (so says the press handout from the organisers anyway). Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, one of the greatest opera singers of our time jets in for a one-night-only performance. Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts is on the bill along with singer-songwriter James Blunt. Add to that heart-throb Enrique Iglesias and the cast of the hit musical Hairspray and you've got a bit of a glam do, all compered by TV stars Phillip Schofield and Kate Thornton.

And of course in the seats money can't buy, where programmes are free and you don't queue for your interval ice cream, Her Majesty the Queen and his Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh. So, pretty good stuff and it all happens on the 3rd of December.听 The show will be on telly with a probable audience of around eight to ten million.

And it's all in a good cause: money raised, as always from the Royal Variety shows, goes to the Entertainment Artiste's benevolent fund, which helps maintain Brinsworth House in Twickenham, the actors' retirement and nursing home.

Phillip Schofield

Are We Bovvered?

But why no Scousers in the line-up? It's not as if Merseyside's an artistic wasteland, in fact it will be THE听capital of culture in less than two months time. And it boasts the best variety style performer of our times in the one and only Mr Ken Dodd..and it's Liverpool's 800th birthday, and what about The Zutons? And its not fair, so there!

Whine over..sort of. Now for a bit of balance. It's a good line up, it's the performance and the performer that matters, not where they come from. The Turner prize is in Liverpool, but no Merseysiders are on the shortlist. Are we bovvered? We are not! Further afield, are Arsenal fans upset that they're top of the league but no Londoners play for the team? No moaning, it's bad for Liverpool`s image - just watch and enjoy it if Royal Variety is the kind of show you like - or if not, do something else.

Organisers say the line-up is not finalised, so who knows, some local talent may be in the show. Watch this space. In the meanwhile, i'm sure we can think of about a hundred suggestions!