麻豆社

The new Microsoft OS will have - may I suggest they include recognition of one gesture, common, I am told since Agincourt, that will commonly be deployed by users when it goes wrong?
Robin, Herts, UK

Swiss Army knives are legal to carry as long as the blade is less that three inches long, and freely folds back into the handle - i.e. does not lock (Tuesday letters). This exemption appears to have been written into the law precisely to excuse Swiss Army knives, possibly due to the preponderance thereof among parliamentarians.
Bas, London

Sadly this media and government fixation with carrying knives reflects the idea that violent crime is caused by inanimate objects rather than people. The terms "knife crime" and "gun crime" merely deflect attention away from the fact that violent people commit these crimes. The crimes do not result from the presence of any particular object. The adoption of "ban it"聺 thinking in government has led us down this blind alley and away from the truth that we have created a violent society. We will only start to remedy this when we realise that this is a people problem.
Kip, Norwich, UK

No wonder the Telegraph loses logos so easily when it can't work out the date on which their device disappeared to any closer than "between 1968 and 1978" (Paper Monitor). They must have published about 3,650 issues in that period - did they have the world's laziest work experience kid searching the back catalogue?
Edward Green, London, UK

Sebastian Faulks (Paper Monitor) missed turning his mobile-off-or-on dilemma into a great 007 story. "In court, Bond tensed as he fingered his watch. The slightest touch could activate the laser cannon, the powerful electromagnet or the stun grenades. Even a single beep could blow his cover. If only he had listened to Q. He stirred and, quite a bit shaken, left the chamber."
John, Sevenoaks

I assume that I wasn't the only one to say "Anywaaaaayyyyy" out loud after reading it in Paper Monitor? As an habitual user of "aaaaaaaanyway", I found it a refreshing change.
Emma Cox, Essex

The story about , is enough to make you scratch the furniture and yowl for Punorama. "Stand clear of the paws" would have been my offering.
Helene Parry, S Wales expat to Brentford
Monitor note: You'll just have to make do with the caption comp now it's back.

The Vikings believed that Hell was cold, and some of the several Buddhist Hells are also cold (Tuesday letters). I'll get my coat. I might need it.
Nick Ould, Peterborough

According to Dante, the Ninth Level of hell is a frozen lake, kept constantly chilled by the flapping of Lucifer's wings - so yes, hell can be a very cold place indeed. (And when you point that out to people who say they'll do something when Hell freezes over, they get very annoyed.)
Michelle B, London

Isn't the just a rip off of Napoleon Dynamite?
Ben, London

Carol of Portugal asks when the rabbit became an endangered species (Tuesday letters). I suspect the rot set in when Tufty the Squirrel cornered the Road Safety Market.
Vicky, East London

I think it's a bit harsh to have a . The people voting know that those actors are using a different accent to their usual one so it will sound a bit jarring, but I seem to remember Candace in New Jersey saying Hugh Laurie's accent was flawless. I'd take her opinion over people who have probably never set foot over the pond.
Michaela, Runcorn, UK

James suggests splitting the UK into Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England to get a few Eurovision votes (Tuesday letters). Given what happens in the sporting world, I'm willing to bet that this will simply lead to a Celtic voting group and England on nul points. But maybe I'm just a cynic...
Dan, Cambridge

Why not allow in Jersey and Guernsey too - and the Isle of Man?
Susan, Brisbane, Australia

Re the Eurovision fallout. Political voting is a complete myth. Of course, cultural voting exists - Balkan countries vote for Balkan songs, former Soviet countries for former Soviet songs etc. But isn't it interesting that not a single commentator in the past five days has mentioned the biggest advantage in Eurovision history - the period of more than 25 years where the UK, Ireland and Malta were the only countries allowed to sing in English.
We'll happily play with an advantage, but when it goes the other way, the kick our toys out of the pram.
Dave, Redhill, UK

The advertising company that came up with "Protect you and your mates from the evil of warm beer" (Tuesday letters) should have considered the grammatically more correct "Protect your mates and yourself from the evil of warm beer". Even better, they could have changed "beer" to "lager" and left proper beer alone.
Colin Main, Berkhamsted, UK

Nice work, Ken in Tuesday letters: "local has beermats... evil of warm beer" leading to the inevitable conclusion "see how it JARS." Like it.
Kevin, Derby

Re Tuesday letters. Are PS, ZS and DS of Newcastle, Liverpool and Croydon respectively, part of some new Magazine Monitor cult? I am not usually a fan of cults, but imagine The Acolytes of the Monitor would be quite nice, all in all. I would guess they would all be far too busy discussing reflexive pronouns to engage in any form of armed stand off with federal authorities. I insist you indoctrinate me immediately.
Dylan (or DS all things going well), Reading, UK

Stop it, stop it, stop it! Why does your headline in the entertainment section have to say ? Why can't it just say "Latest Apprentice fired" and then let us read the article to find out who it is. Then those of us with video recorders/Sky plus/麻豆社 iPlayer etc won't have our viewing ruined by some annoying journalist.
Lottie D, Merseyside

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