Paper Monitor
13:52 UK time, Monday, 26 May 2008
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
All of a sudden the annual mirth-fest that was the Eurovision song contest has gone sour. With Britain taking joint last place in Saturday's final, the papers are asking the sort of tough questions normally reserved for events in Brussels rather than Belgrade.
Should the UK withdraw from the annual song contest after further evidence of bloc voting patterns? Is Sir Terry Wogan about to throw in the towel (for reasons to do with said voting patterns)? And WHAT ON EARTH was about?
"Eurovision song con" says the Sun.
"Time to end the farce of Eurovision 'contest' " - the Daily Express, which helpfully illustrates the story with a full-length picture of the scantily-clad Ukrainian entrant (while omitting to show the Russian victors).
"Euroderision" says the Mirror, which provides a rundown of all Britain's Eurovision entries since 1956, and how they performed. It's also drafted in Cheryl Kissinger-Baker - one quarter of the UK's victorious 1981 combo Bucks Fizz - to opine about the geo-political implications of Europe's post-Cold War splintering.
So Cheryl, what are our options? Is it time to corral the big guns of Europe and despatch a rapid reaction strike force?
Not exactly. La Baker moots the idea of each country delegating the vote to a Simon Cowell-type figure; or getting each act to perform without saying which country they're from. (Quite how you get over the flouncy-shirt conundrum, in which acts betray their national origins by their sartorial choices, is not tackled.)
"It would be laughable..." says Baker. But isn't that the point? For years British fans of the contest have treated Eurovision as a sort of private "so bad, it's good" joke, which the rest of the continent is not privy to.
Now, as the Eastern bloc countries club together, Fleet St cries foul, saying the merit of the year's British entry, by Andy Abraham, was overlooked.
And no one has noted the UK's minor achievement in all this. Apart from Ireland, which traditionally throws a few points our way, the only other country to have rewarded Britain was - taking part this year for the first time. On behalf of the British population, can Paper Monitor take this opportunity to thank this landlocked European microstate.
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