A Wake-Up Call
Does anyone else have strange dreams when they are on holiday? Mine have involved various Â鶹Éç senior managers and their paid henchmen. One of them chased me through the streets of Inverness and threatened to steal my car if I slept through any more Powerpoint presentations. Mrs. Z takes a dim view of these duvet-ruffling night terrors and cites it as proof that I have not stopped thinking about work. So today she banned me from listening to Â鶹Éç Radio Scotland and set me the task of assembling a chest of drawers from IKEA.
I love the instruction booklets you get with self-assembly furniture. It’s all explained in little cartoons. I especially like the cartoon on page 2 which shows a confused customer opening his carton of woodchip planks and then phoning the store for advice on what the heck to do next. I spent a good half hour fantasising about what would happen if you actually made such a call.
ME: Hello…is that the helpine?
HELPLINE GIRL: Yes…but I told you never to call me here.
ME: What?
HELPLINE GIRL: Sorry…I thought you were someone else. Do you have a problem with our self-assembly furniture or have you eaten too many meatballs?
ME: It’s the furniture…I’ve just opened the box and there’s a big problem.
HELPLINE GIRL: Don’t tell me…you’re no good with a screwdriver?
ME: No, it’s not that…I’m sure I could put these drawers together eventually…I mean it might take me half a day and I’d probably have to get a hacksaw to cut off those screws that I forced in at a funny angle.
HELPLINE GIRL: I’m not sure I see what you’re getting at.
ME: It’s just that the whole exercise seems futile. Life is too short for this kind of thing. I should be out experiencing the joys of nature or enjoying stimulating conversation with an old friend
HELPLINE GIRL: I’m sorry but we’re not authorised to offer existential advice.
ME: Fair enough. In that case, can you send me some free meatballs?
HELPLINE: I knew it was you! I told you never to call me here.
