In children's terms, it's like promising them all they've ever wanted for Christmas, and then not buying them anything at all, and wondering why they might be ever such a bit upset.
Of course I'm talking about international football. We simply are not very good at it, and why on earth we put ourselves up for such a massive fall every couple of years or so, totally escapes me. I am as guilty as everyone else - don't get me wrong, but this World Cup has really knocked the stuffing out of me.
In Gerrard, Lampard and Rooney (even Ashley Cole) I thought we had absolute world beaters, but this is clearly not true. It's impossible for all three of them to have played so poorly at the same time. There must be something more fundamentally wrong with how we set things up, and go about our football business at a national level.
The cricket team has beaten Australia three times in ten days. Our rugby team has also beaten them on their own stomping ground within the last fortnight. Our cyclists have been magnificent recently, as have our boxers and our golfers. Andy Murray is happy to take on the world, and of course our F1 guys have continuously been amongst their elite.
Nobody wants to have a headache, no one chooses to feel sick - so in four years from now, if we ever make the footy finals again - I am going to treat our team like New Zealand. I'll cheer every solitary point like it's a miracle and cause for a National Holiday, which by then it well might be...
Clp
2010
X.
We had more fun with the footy this morning than if we'd actually won. It's strange how these things pan out. Yes, we didn't play well, and no, we would never have won it. It really is time to face up to the reality of how much better and "quicker" teams like Argentina and Brazil are.
But anyway listen, we are building up towards two huge outside broadcasts on Thursday and Friday. It's Children In Need Drive and Dine week. I've got meetings all today and tomorrow about it. It's a bit like getting ready for your holidays, but taking 90 people with you!
If you want to check out Thursday's show with your eyes as well as your ears, the whole thing is being filmed and will be LIVE on the Radio 2 website so you can watch it all as it happens.
Moustache - or as they say in Russia - Mos-cow.
Clp
2010
X.
I know, I'm doing it again.
I am in a room with the curtains closed, to pretend there is no sunshine, no day, no world out there to distract me from the task at hand.
There is a deadline you see, and publisher's notes are full of such wearisome issues.
Although I know they make the books so much better, I feel like a spider desperately trying to crawl out of a bath. Will this ever end?
So simple to the fresh eye are these huge chasms of continuity, countless repetition and lack of chronology, but to the word weary author they are a revelation of one's total inadequacy.
I am holding the pen, whilst it is my loyal and trusty editor who cracks the whip, so forgive me as I must return to my manuscript immediately and pretend nothing else exists - for now at least.
Goodbye world, I hope to see you soon.
CLP
2010
X.
P.S. I am actually off to see Bon Jovi in a bit - so don't worry I'm only being overly dramatic because I am secretly very happy.
At the end of the day it's like this.
You have to be exhausted. I think that's the point. Like a good work out session at the gym. There's no point unless you're pooped. Otherwise it's a waste of time. Sure, you can have your lazy days but generally you should be on your last legs.
I am completely shot and it's only just past seven. No booze, only light food all day, life has been the only other sustenance I have partaken in and it's done me like a good 'un. Active kids are pooped most days, that's why they sleep so well and look so bloomin' healthy.
So, it's a couple of glasses of rose, a man's slice of red meat (I don't care to be honest - I love it) a few vegetables and another night falling asleep in front of the television/crossie.
Bliss.
CLP
2010
X.
Jonny, jungle and me. On our way to be assaulted with ex-para-troopers, lovely. The perfect diversion to take our minds off the you know what come 3.00 p.m. this afternoon.
Twenty minutes of blood sweat and then beers. The whole team is coming. They all want a go. Be they crazy children???
Alright you boys and girls of the blog - have a belter whether it involves balls or not.
Clp
2010
X.
PS: This is Hels Bells here - huge apologies for the lateness of the posting of this blog...I've only just returned after our mighty excursion today. We survived (just) - and so did England - result!
Yesterday saw the far too premature passing of Frank Sidebottom - the Timperley Treasure with the papier-mache noggin. If you don't know who he was, you will have to google him because it's quite difficult to explain the ethos of such a unique individual from ground zero. There has never been and never will be another comedy performer like him.
I was once fortunate enough to be a bit part player in his legendary Oh Blimey Big Band. The band, led by Frank, featured such illustrious names as Rick Zarco (real name) and Mark Radcliffe (yes the Mark Radcliffe of Radio Two-sville). My job was to drive the van so the rest of the lads could get tonked, but my favourite task was having to sit on stage reading the Daily Mirror, whilst on stand-by to light any of the lads ciggies if they fancied a quick puff mid set.
Frank also somehow got to support Queen at Wembley stadium, where he unashamedly conducted a ten minute sleight of hand magic show. 99.9 % of the audience had no idea who he was and what on earth he was doing - priceless.
God bless originality and let's all try to have a bit more in our lives.
Clp
2010
X.
Has there ever been a Monday like it for sport?
England beat the Aussies at the weekend in the rugby, Andy Prioux won the WTCC race at Silverstone and G-Mac wins the US Open at Pebble Beach for Northern Ireland. The World Cup has gone nuclear - and we're still in it !!!
PLUS - as if all that isn't enough - Wimbledon starts today.
I have never been more like Homer Simpson in my 44 years on the planet, and I can see another fortnight of sofa love on the way.
Note to self - The sofa, the sport and the fridge - a lethal combination.
CLP
2010
X.
The boys are ready, and I know it's not really important in the grand scheme of things, but it would be wonderful if we did the business in S.A...and then marched on to the final.
As I have said several times on the wireless, we don't have to win, we just need to get down to the last two and then we can all have a party - even if it's an anti-World Cup final party (morning Scotland)!
Who cares as long as the whole nation gets together for a big summer 2010 knees up.
You know, I think we should have a national day anyway. Bring that in please Mr C.
UK day: where we all celebrate being here and now.
Vuvuzela !!!
CLP
2010
Xxx.
When it's too round apparently.
The new World Cup ball is turning our fabulous Fabio into a very unhappy bunny. The German's have had it for four months longer than us apparently, which is why they look like they might win again...or at least get within sniffing distance of the last match.
But come on now - at the end of the day - it's still a ball! But Fab says:
"Zee trader-jacto- reeee is deef-eei-cult to track in zee air"
Has 'ee never played in zee wind! Or on a bumpee peetch!!!
Football is not a science - if it was, no one would ever miss a penalty. It's an exciting game, and zees World Cup is zee most exciting competition it enjoys.
How about we just play better than the other teams, win, and then have the mother of all parties. How about that ?
Clp
2010
X.
Dog Agility is this week's Sporting Challenge.
Jonny says I should have the edge as I've had at least one dog all my life. I agree I suppose, but then again Jonny has often been compared to an excited puppy - which in a way makes him one of their own - so all of a sudden I'm not so sure.
What if him and his pooch look into each others eyes, and the sparkle of empathy and some sort of doggie sixth sense occurs? I could be in for trouncing.
Off to make a quick call to Beth - our own 2 year old German Shepherd - for a any last minute tips she might be able to dish my way.
"Come on throw me a bone Beth, I'm dying here. . ."
CLP
2010
X.
Driving home right now as I always do. Although when I say that, what I really mean is Marky Mark is driving, whilst I sit in the front next to him catching up on calls, emails and other things that real life was never intended to include when God designed it.
This particular blogette is another example of something I never thought I would be doing at the age of 44.
Now Marky has just piped up:
"Here, do you wanna know a really interesting fact?"
"Hold that thought," I replied as I thought it might be a nice idea we - that is you and me - hear it together. He is King Of The Wheel, but that was a big sell. Let's see if it was worth it:
"Ok Marky, tell us your really interesting fact."
(PAUSE...AS HE STROKES HIS CHIN IN CONFIDENT ANTICIPATION).
"You know The Three Lions on the England shirt?
They're not English, they're French."
Welcome to my world.
Clp
2010
X.
Loving the World Cup. Alright, so we didn't play very well at all really - and poor Rob G - took his eye off the ball...and the next thing, he was holding his head in his hands. At least he didn't drop that.
BUT - what a festival, what a party. Looking forward to the 55 remaining games - I think.
I hope my interest doesn't fade - either that or my wife doesn't sell the telly in the meantime.
So, Holland today and Italy tonight, Brazil and Spain still to come and then Friday we're back on the world stage.
The week's gonna fly by, off to write more of draft 63 of Book ll; a bit of gym work; Noah and Tash time; and the sofa and the soccer in between.
Clp
2010
X.
It's here, there's no avoiding it - jump in, join in and get involved - whether you like football or not, South Africa 2010 is gonna be very special.
Mr Mandela has invited us to have a party, and I think for him alone it is our duty to do exactly that - vuvu's and all. I cannot wait to see that hand held television camera tracking along the line of our team tomorrow night as we prepare to take on team USA. Frank Lampard, Stevie G and the rest of 'em, chins up, eyes focused, chests puffed out with pride itching to get on with it.
Elite international sporting events are gifts from heaven - high drama waiting to unfold with only fate knowing the outcome - and all for free.
So I urge you - get your mates round, stock up with your favourite snackeroonies from the supermarket, treat yourself to something cold and to your liking out of the fridge, and ENJOY !
No excuses now.
CLP
2010
X.
P.S. England 3 USA 0
P.P.S. Fancy a bit more sport? Why not watch the video of Jonny and I doing "a kilo" at Herne Hill Velodrome.
Helmet - such a satisfying and solid word.
Tomorrow's show is dedicated to the helmet, the first, the millions in between and the last - whenever that day arrives.
Who will be wearing the last ever helmet and what will they be doing ?
STOP THE PRESS.
We can't do a helmet special tomorrow, we have to do world cup stuff.
Tomorrow's show is dedicated to anyone who is having a world cup party on Saturday, or an anti world cup party - either will do and tomorrow's show is entitled: It's All About To Kick Off In South Africa - For All The Right Reasons, Of Course.
I am, I have to admit, becoming unbearably excited now.
Clp
South Africa 2010
X.
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Dressed for golf but going cycling.
Sporting Challenge number 18 cycling - Jamie Staff MBE putting Jonny and myself through our paces at the velodrome in Herne Hill and have booked the rest of the day off to meet a couple of pals at 4 o'clock for a quick nine holes and half a shandy.
Playing for a pound and a pint but am worried that dressed for one thing but heading for another will be my downfall when it comes to pedal power - I am currently panicking on the A40 at 5.45 a.m. - not the best way to start the day.
What if I lose the cycling and then lose the golf because I'm still reeling from another Saunders trouncing.
Arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh !!!!!!!
CLP
2010
X.
So I was on Noah duty last night, Tash had gone to a class and me and my boy were on the teatime/bedtime shift together 5-7, food, fun, bath, book, milk,bed.
Noah (16 months this Thurs) had been a little bit grouchy all day, not loads but enough to let us know, today was not all that it should be as far as he was concerned. When it came to pre bath I had ten mins spare, so we went for a play in his room and the strangest thing happened.
I turned the lighting down to soft, lay on his bed and started to read out loud - not one of his books but my grown ups book. Noah played around for a few moments and then motioned could he come on the bed where he stayed for the next twenty minutes as good as gold, eventually laying his head on my belly, lying back and listening, eyes wide open.
What a wonderful, priceless moment.
Clp
2010
x
Go to The Hay Literary Festival, the coolest, most laid back, friendliest event I've ever attended.
Go to see Giffords village green vintage circus, look them up online, track them down and book a ticket.
In other news. . .
Here we are on the first day of the best four weeks of the year - light so early in the morning and still light at ten o'clock at night; The World Cup; Wimbledon...
Sure all good, but it's those daylight hours make my heart sing !
Have a blast, these next few weeks are going to be awesome.
Clp
2010
X.
We're on the way to Hay Hay Hay. I've never been anywhere near there before.
To tell you the truth I'm not even sure whether it's a village, town or city, nor what country it's in - England or Wales. Even Lynn who's from Wales wasn't quite sure, and she tends to know everything.
"It's somewhere in between, I think" she declared.
Excited I am about the day that lies ahead, and whether we will end up in the ice cream parlour, on the golf course or kayaking - which is also available in the vicinity.
Whatever we do, it will hopefully take my mind off 2030 hrs, when I will be marched on stage to answer an hour of questions from Ms Anne Robinson. I've always liked her, let's hope I feel the same way at half past nine tonight.
Have a great one, see you on the radio - Monday.
CLP
2010
X.
ps - check out our antics in the Beach Volleyball Sporting Challenge.
5.40 a.m. Thursday June 03. We are travelling North on the M25 on our way to Radio 2 to host The Breakfast Show.
When I say we, I mean Marky Mark and myself. Marky has been my full time driver for the last four and a half years now after taking advantage of me one night when I was a little the worse for wear. I woke up the next day and he was waiting outside for me claiming I had offered him a job just before he dropped me off in the early hours of the same morning. I was hungover enough not to be able to put up any sort of decent defence. Anyhow none of this is really relevant - I just thought I'd better explain the "we" bit of my opening sentence.
Indeed, what I really want to say is that this time of the day and the hour before is often visually the most stunning part of the day, as it is this Thursday - the sun so low and bright and almost as if it's within reach within reach - yet so few people ever get to see it.
I find that both sad and incredible.
I have a feeling the world might be a better place if more people did get to see the day just as it was being unwrapped.
Have a great one
CLP
2010
X.
So Jonny and myself are off to Bournemouth to scare the holiday makers with our excess of pale skin which will be on show from midday.
I played volleyball once and all I can remember is the excruciating pain in my forearms, after my severe lack of muscular padding resulted in direct bone striking by the deceivingly innocent looking volleyball.
Still there are many potential upsides to today: for a start there's the girls and their get ups; then there's the fact we are by the seaside; then I'm thinkin' fish and chips and a cold drink; then I'm thinkin' a nice peaceful drive back and a bit of The Big Show...and then I'm thinkin' an ice cold mid-week beer down the local.
Sounds alright dunnit?
Peace and Love and grab a bit of sunshine today if you can.
LOL
CLP
2010
X.
P.S. The dancing dog is gonna walk BGT, other dogs take note - you could do that if you really tried !
It's not difficult to comprehend, it's merely a fact. The preparation and consumption of a homemade sandwich is one of the great pleasures life has to offer.
And then we get to eat it.
If I'm making a sandwich, I will also note to make a study cup of tea a few minutes beforehand, so that it will be at the right temperature to enjoy with my culinary creation.
One more sandwich before I die?
It would have to be roast ham with far too much butter on white bread - nothing else - simple and perfect.
If I had to accessorise it all, it would be with the addition of a handful of salt and vinegar crisps on the side of the plate.
Now there you are - lovely.
Clp
2010
X
