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Nevertheless, after the service we entered a grimy, bare, blank room which coincided with my blank feelings which was enough to drag my spirits deep down underwater and I began to feel like I was drowning and couldn't reach the surface for air, like i was suffocating. Everything started to spiral downwards from here as people seemed to suddenly forget that my twin sister and best friend had died. She wasn't coming back. Did no-one understand that? Did no-one care? It still wouldn't sink in. I gazed around the room, staring at the grimy walls, a gloomy crimson colour that reminded me of blood. Death. The Accident. You. Everything reminded me of you. I couldn't take this any more. People had rapidly perked up and my mum was even laughing for the first time since you had gone. She seemed...happy?
My grief turned to rage. How could they just move on so quickly? My heart began throbbing out of my chest and I swear that everyone in the room could hear it but didn't even look around. It felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of a crowded room and no one even looked up. I began to run, run anywhere, as fast as I could before anyone detected I'd gone and I ran until I felt I needed to be to feel closer to you. The train station.
Vibrant coloured flowers, romantic red roses and overpowering lilies filled my airways with freshness as I neared the taunted spot where... I couldn't even bring myself to think it. This place seemed so familiar, it had been in my nightmares every day since, and I was bizarrely beginning to consider it...home. I felt like it was my entire fault. If I had saved you somehow, we wouldn't be in this situation. My mind spilled with curiosity. Could it all have turned out differently somehow? But it all just happened in one bleary-eyed haze. Today, people stared at me with wickedness in their eyes making me feel as if this was all down to me. They see your reflection in me; after all, you were my twin sister. Our resemblances cause people to avoid me because they can't take in the fact what has happened and seeing me just reminds them. They'd rather hide the excruciating pain and try to move on as best as they can. What you can't see can't hurt you right? If they didn't see me they wouldn't be reminded and could thrust it right to the back of their mind without a care in the world. Selfish, immoral human beings.
Although, we had opposite personalities and they always say opposites attract. You portrayed the noisy, boisterous, one who everyone seemed to get along with; always the life and soul of any party and made everything fun as I was the nervous, insecure, timid one who followed everything you did because I wanted to be just like you. Although, no matter how popular you could have made yourself, you stayed real and didn't follow the crowd like a sheep, but you always stuck by me and helped me through any awkward situation. I sought needed happiness again, that's why I couldn't be without you. You were like poison that was now intoxicating my body, sucking my soul and the remedy for it was time. But how much time would it take to hurt less?
I lay beside your flowers observing all the emotional messages written to you from family, friends and one lengthy letter from Chris. I traced my fingers forcefully over the sharp edges while reading every single word, slicing through my fingers but I didn't even detect the pain as I was so numb, I felt the blood trickle onto my lap. You were perfectly infatuated with each other, you and Chris. We hadn't even kept contact, not one word had been spoken between us since you'd gone. I hated you for doing this to my life; I hated myself for not sacrificing myself for you!
Wiping the condensation off the window, I peered at my mirroring reflection. My quivering lips had transformed blue from the icy breeze, slapping me round the face. Dark circles rounded my eyes from fatigue, a ghostly pale expression, matted hair intertwining in all different directions. I couldn't even recognise this withering wreck which was me, broken inside. Letting out an almighty sigh, I could see my breath as it blissfully painted the misty night sky as I walked nearer the train track edge and dangled my feet over the edge. The train station was so tranquil yet again, unusually silent and deserted. Usually it was heaving with bustling individuals and you and I used to come here just to watch people in their daily lives. We found it so fascinating. You. You. You. This had to stop! The feeling of serenity running through my body transformed into consciousness and terror.
My throat began trembling and for the first time, I felt I understood the meaning of having my shuddering heart brutally ripped out of my body and feel like someone was clenching their clammy hands tightly, gripping around my neck and compressing my airways, choking, choking, and spluttering. Cold blooded images flashed vigorously in front of my deluded eyes and everything became hazy and in slow motion. A train ' steaming so fast, I couldn't control myself. The adrenaline, so distinctly familiar felt unexpectedly satisfying this time. Words echoed inside my head. DO IT! JUST JUMP! You can be with her if you just JUMP! These voices were controlling me, ordering me. Is it wrong to take your life to save yourself from yourself? I was too weak to fight these voices, taking over me.
I'll see you soon, Angel. BANG! Dead.