Â鶹Éç

It comes to me. Like an undeniable force from which I can't escape, it hits me in the face. I see it. I suddenly see everything that has occurred flash before my weary eyes. Feeling my legs begin to weaken, I stumble and crash into the archaic couch. I fall too hard and my back begins to throb.
The pictures of you that I have kept mentally locked away for all this time are here, right in front of my very eyes, and I can't escape them. I suppose I can't comprehend the thought of you, of us, any longer'it reminds me of everything I once had, everything which I have lost. And it's unbearable.
Struggling to my overworked and pained feet, I notice the worn out carpet, prominent amongst the peeled wall paper which clings aimlessly to the four walls surrounding me' The dead silence echoes my heart beat, which is thudding rapidly. It feels as if I am no longer here, or that this place is somewhere else, somewhere forbidden' in the past.
As I recall the memories, I realise closure is the only thing keeping me from moving on, from accepting; I cautiously pick up the photographs.
With shaky hands and a weakened composure I cast my eyes over the first one. The time doesn't feel right somehow, but the force pulling me towards you is too strong; like a whirlwind from the past, determined to help me accept everything. As I steady my gaze, it all comes back in an instant, a seemingly fleeting moment...

New Years Eve, 1992. Sobriety a distant memory, an eighteen year old version of myself stumbles across the dance floor in a hazy state. A tap on my shoulder forces me to spin around. You ask me if I need anything, if I'm ok. Sensing your interference, I hastily refuse and insist I'm fine. A flash signals and catches us both in mid conversation; I fail to notice at the time. In fact, I still don't remember that being taken. Shortly after, I attempt to make my own journey home. You follow me, get me home safe, and as I attempt to ease the aching head I experience the morning after, I realise that you're not so bad after all. Like they always say, the rest is history.

While I might not recall seeing the flash of that camera, I still treasure every part of that night. Pictures fade over time, but memories don't; and the fact that I have this to hold onto stops me from feeling so in despair.

I can barely breathe now. I realise I have been running away for too long. Now I can't escape what I have been hiding from for the past few months. Why did it have to come to this?

As I continue to contemplate the past, the present, the future, I'm once again distracted'

May 2000; the best day of my life. A single tear falls down my wind burnt cheek. Hastily wiping it away, I return to my thoughts. I recall saying those vows, committing my life to you, and sadness encapsulates my whole body. I feel numb. You came into my life unexpectedly, but now, looking back, I couldn't have wished for much else. I remember the way you looked into my eyes and promised me all those things. It felt as if everything else had vanished. All the bad feeling in the world ebbed away, if only just for that one moment. It doesn't feel right to be looking at us so happy.

The tightening in my chest continues to restrict my thoughts as I struggle to catch my breath. I'm trying hard to remain composed' calm. Just like the old me. It feels as if amongst all the other things I have lost, I've lost myself in it all too. Perhaps this is the worst part of it all'

30th May, 2000, and we have a family photo. I see us both staring into the winter shadows; it's dark outside, but it feels light somehow. The sun seems to appear amongst the iced leaves and the bitter cold hits my face. Happiness is hard to come by, but once you have it, it makes it harder to give back or to accept that its not there anymore. I understand, of course, that nothing lasts forever' but for that day, it felt like it could.

I've psyched myself up for this moment for so long, it seems somewhat easier than I could ever have imagined. My heart aches, but the distraction of my mind ticking away appears to ease the pain. Finally, I fix my make up and get up to go and collect what I had come back here for. Picking up the clothes, old jewellery box and ring, I silently place them in the empty box I hold before me. Walking slowly through to the lounge, I stop suddenly as I notice a final picture. It is the only part of my life not packed away, and I consider what my life would be like right now if all this hadn't happened. But, I don't concentrate on this for too long, I can't, and I hastily retreat to the front door. As I take one last look at the past, I turn to put the picture into my bag. Yet, I can't seem to take my eyes off it, and I'm taken back once more'

December 2005. Christmas time. I knew then, it was time to let go, time to accept that happiness is certainly a fleeting moment, yet one that you must grab on to with both hands' before it's too late and it disappears once again. I felt grateful for everything, but angry at the same time. The picture does much to fix my glare and I can't control it any longer. I collapse onto the floor with tears glazing over my eyes, and I clutch onto the final remainder of you. Of us and our family. The people in the picture look undeterred and happy, like nothing could hurt them. It's funny how pictures can be so deceiving.

As I take one last look at the house where we spent our lives together, I remember you; I remember the memories. And the memories will have to be enough as there is no other part of you of which I can hold onto. I can't wake up next to you, or feel your breath on my neck; I can't laugh with you about the things that only we could understand, and I can't tell you that I love you one final time.
I realise now though that the pictures of you can help me to move on, help me to accept that while you aren't here anymore, the memories of you will last forever.